A story behind everything

I feel like this should go on my blog because I hope that no one reads it and it's kind of depressing.

Yesterday we went and saw Sor Teresa because it was Saturday, and we took her flowers because I figured she was sad that Gonzalo left. And she was. They have been best buds for pretty much his entire life. I remember when we saw her last year in Santa Isabel that she told me that when she was in Cuenca she would go visit him and take him for walks around the block and tell him "whenever you feel sad or alone, just walk this same path and remember me."

All this week I've been thinking about how great that these kids are getting adopted, and it is great. But what is not great is that he has a family. He has a mom, who lives here in town, with other siblings, most older, but one who is only 8 months old. Why is he getting adopted? Because she is an alcoholic. She works at a market in town, but most of the time she is too drunk to do much of anything. He's been back to see her, but she doesn't want him.

Sor Teresa told me she would practice writing his mother's name on the board, and he would erase it. She would ask him to name the flower that she shares a name with and all he would say is "it's a flower". He's 7, he's not stupid. He knows that he has a family, and that it's a family that cannot and does not want to care for him.

I used to think that the worst thing was being an orphan. Not having a family, not knowing where you came from, or who you belong to. I've changed my mind. The worst thing is having a family that doesn't want you, that can't take care of you, and you knowing them and knowing that they are taking care of your siblings.

I am so happy for Gonzalo and his 2 year old sister. Their new family is so nice, so loving, and they seem happy. Gonzalo won't let go of his dad's hand. I know it's the best option for them, but I can't help but worry about him, how angry he is, how confusing and strange it is for a 7 year old to go through something like this.

And then I think about all the other kids who are in similar situations. Or worse. And then I get depressed. So I'll stop this blog now, I just wanted to write before I forgot that not everything is so cut and dry.

A Deal With God

Today I was complaining to God, telling Him that if I was in charge of problem X, I would do everything in my power to fix it, which is something I tell Him and myself a lot. Today He said to me: prove it.

"If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?"

-Tracy Chapman "Change"