Comfortable in your own skin

I have probably never really felt comfortable being "me". I don't mean that I act differently/pretend to be someone else on purpose, I mean it more in the self-conscious kind of way. I would think it's not unusual for people (especially ladies it seems) to feel self-consious, but I always seem to feel like 100 times more than the average person. (I am so self-centered, but whatever, this is my blog!) I know there are plenty of people who are pretty confident in who they are and seem to have an effortless time of not acting self-consious, and I am constantly impressed by that.

The other day I mentioned to Aaron how where people sit in a room often says a lot about them, and joked that since I prefered the corner in the back what does that say about me? But then I thought about it and thought that although now it is more of a habit than anything, it started because I don't like the idea of people watching me without me knowing. Ridiculous, as if people might be looking at the back of my head and judging me! (What, am I 14?)

That thinking prompted more thinking about why I could possibly care what people think, at age 28.66. First, I am married. The likelihood of Aaron leaving me because my hair is ridiculous or because I am pretty jerky a lot of the time is unlikely becuase A. he alerady knew that about me and B. he is really forgiving. So although I like him to be happy and think I am a nice person, I am not particularily prone to feeling self-conscious or worried about him. Second, I have children. They do not seem to care about anything except whether I will play and cuddle with them. Also they forgive me when I am not nice or ignore their pleas for more cookies, so that tends to make me less self-conscious. Third, I have the most amazing friends, and am pretty sure that they will like me despite my flaws, and if they don't, I am cocky enough to believe it's their loss. So that leaves strangers, and really, why on earth would I care about what strangers think? (Unless of course I was behaving poorly and deserved reprimand.)

Finally, I decided that I am done being self-consious. It's not really like it came overnight, but the decision to stop acting in the same patterns did. I think a huge part of the dissolving of my self-critical thinking came when I had Harmon. I was so amazed at what I did, what I grew, the thinking followed if I can do that, I can do anything. With Sammy I seemed to lose most of my insecurities about my body. Even when I was at my thinnest I never felt (like everyone else in the world) that I was skinny. I look back at pictures now and want to go back in time and smack myself. And when I think about it like that it helps me to appreciate my body at every stage, not just at my "ideal". My body works, I have no injuries, no disabilities, I was able to grow children, make them come out of me, and feed them. So even though I am not always happy with the shape of my body, I am more happy now than I have ever been with what my body can do. So in light of these and several other self-confidence building experiences, I have decided it is high time to start feeling comfortable in my own skin.

A post about feeeeeelings.

This post is probably a bit overly dramatic and more open than I usually care to be, but I figure since only like 3 people read this blog you will know well enough to know that it is just ramblings. -------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I don't really notice when I enter a down period. It will slowly creep up on me and then suddenly I will go "Oh! I feel unhappy! When did that happen?" It is more or less pretty easy to reverse this situation, as it is likely I have let a lot of little easy things slip. Other times I will quickly notice what I can only describe as what feels like falling helplessly into nothing, and that is a lot scarier. Lately I have been feeling the latter. I want to pretend like "nothing I do seems to help" but honestly I am not doing much except for letting myself feel bad and not trying to do anything about it. Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, enumerating (to myself) how little sleep I have been getting, how mean I have been to my children, how bored I am, how little free time I have, how bad I am at personal scripture study, how much I feel like I am lacking direction, etc. etc. In my hour (or two...) of moping around I was struck with a thought of another time I felt similarly and a song that really touched me at that time. I pulled out my trusty ancient ipod and was glad to find what I was looking for. One of the years I was a counselor at a camp for teenage girls the director gave us a CD by Kenneth Cope. Last night as I listened to this song I remembered the same thing I felt then: The best way to heal (feel better) is to let God. I think I will make myself listen to it multiple times a day until I get it through my thick skull. Breathe In Me by Kenneth Cope You breathe in me And I'm alive With the power of your holiness You breathe in me And you revive Feelings in my soul That I have laid to rest So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new life in me again I used to be So sensitive To the light that leads to where you are Now I've acquired These calluses With the darkness of A cold and jaded heart So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new light in me again