Kelsey's Ramblings

The Facebook Problem & Solution

2011-09-24T15:48:00.001-07:00

So, I may spend too much time on Facebook. I also obsessively check my email. These seem pretty ridiculous for a lot of reasons, the main two being: what important email am I waiting for, and am I really gaining anything from excessive FB use, or just wasting time? The answer of course is that I am just wasting time. Because I have two small children I often have a minute or 4 here or there, but not often long chunks of time where I can do something like sew two pieces of fabric together, read a chapter in a book, etc. However it takes about 10 seconds to get on the computer and see if I have any interesting emails, and if I am good, only a couple of minutes to see if there is anything amazing, new, or hilarious on Facebook. I tell myself it is not really so bad, and just an outlet to the boredom I sometimes feel, but I think in actuality it makes me feel worse. Not like by reading posts on FB I feel depressed because other people are out doing cool things (chances are if you are posting about all the cool things you are doing on FB instead of actually just enjoying them, you aren't really having that cool of a life anyway) but more like it is very unsatisfying. I cling to the lame excuse that I use FB to keep in contact with my friends, which is true, but I don't really need to check it many many times a day to keep in touch with my friends. It's not like I email, text, or call my friends 10 times a day, why would I need to see if they've posted in the last 2 hours?

This has led me to wonder what I could do differently to be more "satisfied" with my interneting. I hate when I put my kids to bed and am so tired that I feel like I can't do anything except sit around and play on the internet because that's all I have the energy to do, and two hours later I have nothing to show for it except for 10 more pins on pinterest of things I will someday (maybe) think about making and perhaps a comment on someone's photos on Facebook. That is to say, not a lot.

So, say you spend 1 hour a day on Facebook. I have no idea how much time I really spend on it, because really I don't want to know. I figure if I check it even if just for a minute 10 times a day that is too many. So we'll use an hour, because that is where I am going with my idea. Anyway, if I am spending an hour on FB to "socialize" and "keep in touch" with my friends, couldn't I do that in a better way? For example, if I used even a half hour a day to write a friend an email, write a real piece of mail, or call someone on the phone? All of those things sound like they take almost as little energy as clicking around on the internet, and I would venture produce better results both for me feeling fulfilled and keeping good friendships. Bottom line is starting today I am going to check my FB once a day, and spend 30 minutes that I would have been wasting there doing "friendship building/life fulfilling" type activities. For a week. Maybe in a week I will find that I didn't really like doing that and will go back to wasting my life on Facebook, but maybe I will find I am happier instead.

Comfortable in your own skin

2011-04-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have probably never really felt comfortable being "me". I don't mean that I act differently/pretend to be someone else on purpose, I mean it more in the self-conscious kind of way. I would think it's not unusual for people (especially ladies it seems) to feel self-consious, but I always seem to feel like 100 times more than the average person. (I am so self-centered, but whatever, this is my blog!) I know there are plenty of people who are pretty confident in who they are and seem to have an effortless time of not acting self-consious, and I am constantly impressed by that.

The other day I mentioned to Aaron how where people sit in a room often says a lot about them, and joked that since I prefered the corner in the back what does that say about me? But then I thought about it and thought that although now it is more of a habit than anything, it started because I don't like the idea of people watching me without me knowing. Ridiculous, as if people might be looking at the back of my head and judging me! (What, am I 14?)

That thinking prompted more thinking about why I could possibly care what people think, at age 28.66. First, I am married. The likelihood of Aaron leaving me because my hair is ridiculous or because I am pretty jerky a lot of the time is unlikely becuase A. he alerady knew that about me and B. he is really forgiving. So although I like him to be happy and think I am a nice person, I am not particularily prone to feeling self-conscious or worried about him. Second, I have children. They do not seem to care about anything except whether I will play and cuddle with them. Also they forgive me when I am not nice or ignore their pleas for more cookies, so that tends to make me less self-conscious. Third, I have the most amazing friends, and am pretty sure that they will like me despite my flaws, and if they don't, I am cocky enough to believe it's their loss. So that leaves strangers, and really, why on earth would I care about what strangers think? (Unless of course I was behaving poorly and deserved reprimand.)

Finally, I decided that I am done being self-consious. It's not really like it came overnight, but the decision to stop acting in the same patterns did. I think a huge part of the dissolving of my self-critical thinking came when I had Harmon. I was so amazed at what I did, what I grew, the thinking followed if I can do that, I can do anything. With Sammy I seemed to lose most of my insecurities about my body. Even when I was at my thinnest I never felt (like everyone else in the world) that I was skinny. I look back at pictures now and want to go back in time and smack myself. And when I think about it like that it helps me to appreciate my body at every stage, not just at my "ideal". My body works, I have no injuries, no disabilities, I was able to grow children, make them come out of me, and feed them. So even though I am not always happy with the shape of my body, I am more happy now than I have ever been with what my body can do. So in light of these and several other self-confidence building experiences, I have decided it is high time to start feeling comfortable in my own skin.

A post about feeeeeelings.

2011-04-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

This post is probably a bit overly dramatic and more open than I usually care to be, but I figure since only like 3 people read this blog you will know well enough to know that it is just ramblings. -------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I don't really notice when I enter a down period. It will slowly creep up on me and then suddenly I will go "Oh! I feel unhappy! When did that happen?" It is more or less pretty easy to reverse this situation, as it is likely I have let a lot of little easy things slip. Other times I will quickly notice what I can only describe as what feels like falling helplessly into nothing, and that is a lot scarier. Lately I have been feeling the latter. I want to pretend like "nothing I do seems to help" but honestly I am not doing much except for letting myself feel bad and not trying to do anything about it. Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, enumerating (to myself) how little sleep I have been getting, how mean I have been to my children, how bored I am, how little free time I have, how bad I am at personal scripture study, how much I feel like I am lacking direction, etc. etc. In my hour (or two...) of moping around I was struck with a thought of another time I felt similarly and a song that really touched me at that time. I pulled out my trusty ancient ipod and was glad to find what I was looking for. One of the years I was a counselor at a camp for teenage girls the director gave us a CD by Kenneth Cope. Last night as I listened to this song I remembered the same thing I felt then: The best way to heal (feel better) is to let God. I think I will make myself listen to it multiple times a day until I get it through my thick skull. Breathe In Me by Kenneth Cope You breathe in me And I'm alive With the power of your holiness You breathe in me And you revive Feelings in my soul That I have laid to rest So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new life in me again I used to be So sensitive To the light that leads to where you are Now I've acquired These calluses With the darkness of A cold and jaded heart So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new light in me again

Conquering the Pillowcase

2011-02-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

I always have 10011981818 projects I have started or want to start. Some are hard, and some are easy. A long long time ago I bought pillow inserts with the intention to make cases for them. That should have been extremely easy. But for some reason I never got around to it. Something about a lot of kids or whatever. But victory is mine, as I finally made some with some old fabric I had lying around. Just 10011981817 projects left to go.

Sometimes I wonder.

2011-01-04T14:33:00.001-08:00

I commonly am struck with the feeling that I'm not getting my fair share of trials. And what I mean by that is that I am not getting the really awful and difficult ones people around me seem to get. Don't get me wrong, I have problems and trials and such, but when I look around I can't help but notice mine seen weak in comparison.

And then I wonder. Is there something bigger? Like some awful trial that I am "saving up"? I realize it doesn't really work like that, but it still makes me a little bit nervous. I had better just enjoy the easier trials of every day life I suppose.

The New Mega List

2010-11-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

So, here we have the new list of 101 things to do in 1,001 days, as popularized and explained here: http://www.dayzeroproject.com/ I like their new website so much I will probably do most of my tracking there: www.dayzeroproject.com/user/foxfish But here it is for my own records (and yours of course):

Start Date: October 26, 2010
End Date: July 23rd, 2013

1. Get baby books up to date
2. Complete a 365 day photo challenge
3. Make Lorena a quilt and take it to her
4. Finish quilt for my bed
5. Finish Harmon and Sammy's quilts
6. Don't eat fast food for a month
7. Write in my journal once a month
8. Find out if there can be muscles on my stomach
9. Go surfing
10. Back up all digital photos
11. Visit a country I've never been to before
12. Write a thank you letter once a month
13. Write Ecuador book
14. Frame and hang photos
15. Learn two new songs on the piano
16. Learn photoshop
17. Swim across Lake Washington
18. Visit 3 Temples I've never been to before
19. Assemble a first aid kit to keep in the car
20. Get Sammy's passport
21. Learn two songs on the guitar
22. Finish Pigeon project for kids' room
23. Go to a waterpark
24. Watch a meteor shower
25. Buy a sailboat
26. Improve cursive skills
27. 10 new recipes I have pulled from magazines
28. Make pillow cases for couch pillows
29. Make 4 photo books: Sammy's first year, 2010, 2011, 2012
30. Get a penpal
31. Continue Project FoxFish
32. Don't complain about anything for a week
33. Take monthly photo of the kids together
34. Monthly date with Aaron
35. No TV for a week
36. Successfully garden
37. Make sourdough bread
38. Take a pottery class
39. Use already purchased swim sessions
40. Super fantastic 30th Birthday party
41. Shoot and develop two rolls of film
42. Make Sammy a doll
43. Join a club
44. Find perfect pair of shorts
45. Memorize a poem
46. Visit a state I've never been to before
47. Scan photos from album for family
48. El Jordan's tabbouli recipe
49. Whiten my teeth
50. Clean out garage
51. Do something nice for my Grandma just because
52. Clean out office closet
53. Get artwork for my bedroom
54. Get boating license
55. Plan a surprise for Aaron
56. Learn about cutting hair
57. Figure out how to finish copying old videos to DVD for mom
58. Clean out my inbox
59. No soda for one month
60. Keep my bedroom clean for a month
61. Go to another concert at the Triple Door
62. Have Justin over for dinner
63. Finish 10 started sewing projects
64. Read three books in Spanish
65. Send Birthday cards/notes to all family members for a year
66. Track all my spending for a month
67. Call the "How Am I Driving?" Number to report good driving 3 times
68. Eat something new that seems like it would be gross
69. Write in the main blog every day for a month
70. Take a photo of the other houses I have lived in growing up
71. Read 5 "classics"
72. Run around Greenlake
73. See a circus
74. Make old shirts picnic blanket
75. Restart Gratitude Journal
76. Bingo party
77. Go sailing
78. Do facebreaker for 60 seconds
79. Letters to 5 people that have changed my life
80. Get wedding ring cleaned
81. Take a picture with all my siblings
82. Try a new flavor of ice cream
83. Do meal planning for an entire month
84. Draw a picture I like
85. Write up Aaron's Spanish Dictionary
86. Do one pull up at my dad's house
87. Buy a dress I actually like
88. At least one overnight at sea (on sailboat)
89. Get scuba certified
90. Get one full night sleep. Seriously.
91. Find an on-going volunteer opportunity
92. Change car headlight (pathetic)
93. Eat only with chopsticks for a week
94. Do another swap
95. Exercise twice a week for three months straight
96. Make a cool camera strap from Allison's tutorial
97. Use my crockpot 5 times
98. See a drive-in movie
99. Give up a "regular" tv show
100. Go flying with Aaron
101. Put photos/papers/etc into fireproof box

1,001 days are done...

2010-10-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

Wow. I mean, double wow. Somehow 1,001 days ago (ok like 1,004 now) I made a giant list of 101 things I was going to do in that time period before October 23rd, 2010, and suddenly it's over. I would say that sadly I didn't accomplish many of the things, but it's not really too sad since I spent the majority of my time between then and now with my small babies. In fact, when I made the list I was not feeling well, little did I know I had a small person just starting to grow in me. It was an ambitious list, and I am happy to have done some of the things on it, and will make another list in the next few days, likely with many of the same items carried over. Anyway, enough with the rambling, here is the detailed report to bore you (and me in the future) to death.

Start date: January 26th, 2008
Ending date: October 23rd, 2010

The list:
1. Write my Ecuador book NO: time issue
2. Finish Lorena’s quilt NO: started but moved away and left it in Ecuador
3. Turn my old shirts into tote bags YES: Sammy Rosero loved them
4. Read 12 books YES: easy
5. Come back to Ecuador again YES: 5/09
6. Get scuba certified NO: time issue
7. Make 5 iTunes play lists YES
8. Learn how to play Acoustic #3 on the guitar NO: time/babies issue
9. Begin sailing around the world with Aaron NO: money/babies issue
10. Re-learn how to crochet, make a scarf NO: desire/time issue
11. Make a quilt for my own bed NO: started... time issue
12. Have ample food storage supply YES
13. Go to bed by 10 for a week straight NO: this will likely never actually happen
14. Photograph another wedding NO: time/babies issue
15. Read camera manual all the way through NO: laziness issue
16. Buy a new lens NO: money/forgot issue
17. Hike to Leigh Lake NO: laziness issue
18. Have a baby YES: I am amazing at this one. 10/24/08, 12/15/09
19. Make a skirt YES: 9/08 it was really ugly though
20. Read the entire old testament YES: finished 10/10
21. Do pilates or yoga 2x week for two months NO: laziness issue
22. Write in my journal once a week NO: I probably wrote 5 times. laziness issue
23. Take Aaron to Disneyland NO: babies issue
24. Get my foundation set up NO: time issue
25. Go surfing 5 times NO: babies issue
26. Learn to juggle NO: laziness issue
27. Read 2 books in Spanish No: 1.5, I just forgot to do this one.
28. Visit 5 temples I have never been to NO: SLC 2/09, Vancouver 4/10
29. Donate hair to locks of love YES: 6/08, 11/09 Aaron says I can't do it anymore because of the awful haircut I got last time, hah
30. Have a real life dinner party NO: laziness issue
31. Read 2 more books on teenage self-esteem NO: I read one, the other one I had was boring. laziness issue
32. Carve a pumpkin with my husband’s face on it NO: exhaustion/time issue
33. Create storage system for all digital pictures NO: halfway there
34. Print wedding photos & put in album YES: 11/08
35. Print honeymoon photos & put in album NO: they are missing :(
36. Don’t complain at all for 1 week NO: awful person issue
37. Take some sort of class YES: Ham Radio 3/08, Birthing: 9/08
38. Visit a country I’ve never been to before NO: babies issue
39. Successfully take care of a plant for a year NO: I think it is impossible for me
40. Buy a bike at a garage sale YES: 3/10
41. Not eat at a restaurant for 2 weeks straight YES: 11/08
42. Build a bridge out of popsicle sticks or toothpicks. Put weights on it to see how much it can hold without breaking. NO: laziness issue. I even bought the popsicle sticks...
43. Write a thank you letter once a week for 6 months. NO: I wrote a lot, but not following that timeline
44. Find at least one genealogy name and do the work NO: Impossible. I tried very hard, then gave up.
45. Plan a fundraiser YES: for OSSO Spring 09
46. Can something other than jam NO: laziness issue
47. Follow Fly Lady’s schedule for one month NO: laziness issue
48. Cook 10 new recipes YES: yum
49. Do a triathlon NO: laziness issue. started training but flaked out.
50. Throw a huge party YES: anniversary, Halloweens
51. Go snowboarding twice NO: babies issue
52. Cook four dishes in the pressure cooker NO: laziness issue
53. Floss every day for a month, 3 times YES: this is probably the most amazing one on the list
54. Frame 10 photos NO: only did 7. so pathetic. laziness issue.
55. Learn a new song on the piano NO: time issue (maybe now that I own a piano...)
56. Learn how to make the ultimately delicious macaroons my dad makes NO: time/laziness issue
57. Learn to like one type of fish (is this possible?) YES: 8/08 halibut was ok, seared tuna
58. Read a book on astronomy NO: laziness issue
59. Figure out the recipe for El Jordan’s tabbouli NO: I tried one but messed it up so badly I was put off for a while. My cool mother-in-law sent me a recipe I should try.
60. Purchase the perfect croquet set NO: money issue. I apparently have expensive taste in croquet sets. But we did get a really sweet one from my mom she was getting rid of.
61. Build something out of wood NO: laziness issue
62. Carve something out of wood NO: time issue
63. Golf an entire 18 holes NO: hah! time/babies/laziness issue (wait, does mini golf count?)
64. Beat my mom at ping-pong NO: this will never happen.
65. Find a Google whack NO: they don't exist anymore
66. Get brows threaded YES: 10/10 and I loved it
67. Go snowshoeing NO: babies issue
68. Road trip to somewhere I haven’t been before NO: babies issue
69. Send a real piece of mail every month NO: I did over half, but some months it just didn't happen
70. Make baby blankets for new arrivals YES
71. Submit book to publishers NO: it has to be written first
72. Go to 10 year reunion NO: I could have done this, but didn't for many reasons
73. Give away or sell 101 things YES: now I just need to get rid of 1001 more.
74. Learn Photoshop NO: time issue
75. Join some sort of photography challenge group: NO: laziness issue
76. Skydive NO: babies issue
77. Swim across Lake Washington NO: babies issue/no summer issue/forgot issue
78. Make Aaron a suit. NO: time issue
79. Make Eden an article of clothing she will wear YES: I made her a cool headband. But then it didn't fit. But she wanted to wear it.
80. Make myself pumpkin and coconut ice cream. Separately. NO: laziness issue. the store makes it so much faster.
81. Get Ham radio license YES: 3/08
82. Acquire unbreakable habit of brushing teeth at night YES: Victory!
83. Go to the symphony with Aaron NO: time/babies issue
84. Make and keep updated address book YES: but I don't know where it is right now. still counts.
85. Create sweatpants overalls NO: laziness issue
86. Eat only healthy foods for 1 week NO: probably not possible
87. Sell something I made YES: Spring 09
88. Learn to tie 5 knots NO: laziness issue
89. Launch an Ecuadorian globo NO: opportunity issue
90. Explore stock photography options YES
91. Use my iTunes gift cards YES
92. Buy and complete a big big puzzle NO: it was awful and I hated it
93. Win a contest YES: 12/08 a cool bag which Harmon loves
94. Make a cake in the microwave YES: 1/08 mmmm
95. Go waterskiing NO: babies issue/laziness issue
96. Have a bingo party NO: forgot issue
97. Put Rosero’s videos on DVD for them NO: awful. ugh.
98. Learn 10 children’s songs in Spanish NO: I think I learned 5. laziness issue.
99. Get wedding dress cleaned and boxed YES: 10/08
100. Create will and force husband to do the same NO
101. Manage to see a sunrise without feeling like death MAYBE: I think that I was supposed to actually watch it though, so make that NO.

So, the final score is 31 out of 101 things accomplished. Despite the awful stats, I did start some of these only to find I didn't really want to do them afterall, and many of them I just didn't do my assigned number, and in those cases some is better than none (mail, journal writing, etc.) Overall, I am pleased despite my laziness. I really could have done a lot more, but being exhausted from the babies (mostly their poor sleep habits) and my natural inclination to sit around and relax really stopped me. I am excited to make another list and perhaps this time I will have a better expectation of things that I can accomplish. (I mean come on, I didn't think I would have two babies by the time the list expired, one who turned two the next day and the other 10 months no less!)

A Psychology Ramble

2010-10-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Admire my awful paint skills:I have been thinking a lot lately about how we have two "selfs" if you will. One being the "self" that we think we are, and the other being the actual person we are. Obviously there is overlap between the two of these, of varying degrees for different people.
Recently I have been feeling the push of the boundary of the green overlap area expanding, and it sucks. It is hard to see myself do negative things that I don't really believe are part of "who I am". You know: "I am always perfectly calm with my children" and "I would never say extra rude things to my husband" and "I am lazy, but not that lazy..." when in actuality I am not so kind to my husband and children, and I am that lazy. Etc, etc, etc.

I suppose that by seeing them it gives me the opportunity to change, right? Too bad change is hard. Ugh.

Labels of Experience

2010-08-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about how we really tend to give people simple labels about their experiences that in actuality are a huge essence of who they are. It's not out of rudeness, it's just impossible to really understand a lot of experiences we haven't been through, even if they are some of the most defining times for a person.

Here are a few examples: he has a chronic illness, she lost a child, he lost his job, she had a baby, they adopted a child, he cares for his aging parents, etc. Simple labels that describe huge experiences. Obviously there are tons, both good and bad. And often we don't know which ones other people are or have experienced, or how much they still deal with them on a daily basis.

It's easy (but sad) to say that someone lost a child, without thinking more than a few minutes what that person's life might be like now. Obviously we feel sad for anyone in that situation, but say it happened many years ago. It's likely that we don't think about it anymore, even if they are still thinking about it and hurting every day.

I have mostly been thinking about this because I have been thinking about myself (shocker), and how much I think about Ecuador as a defining experience for me. I still think about it every. But I doubt that anyone else thinks about it any more other than a random fact in passing that I spent some time in South America. Which is fine, it just serves as a good reminder for me to always work hard to remember I don't know where people are coming from. I don't know what they are dealing with, or what they have dealt with both good and bad. So the next time before I assume someone is one way or the other, I hope that I will be able to realize there is always more to the situation than what I see on the surface.

Self-Esteem

2010-06-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

I was up late last night thinking about a young friend of mine who is having a hard time right now, in large part due to low self-esteem. I always have felt drawn to the topic of self-esteem. Not because I have a particularly high amount myself, but because every once in a while I am blessed with a tiny glimpse of how I imagine God sees and loves certain people in my life and it is remarkable.

Why is it that women in general and especially teenage girls seem to struggle so much with self-esteem? My budding self-esteem was blessed to be nurtured every summer at church girl's camp. I always felt that the leaders and older girls genuinely cared for me, that they liked who I was no matter who I was. That coupled with the spiritual and physical beauty of the camp really hit me at my core each summer. It was somewhere I felt at home, somewhere I always fit in, no matter what else was going on in my life. I still think about those sweet leaders who took time to just listen and care about me, a source outside my home that validated me as a person, and a good person at that. That's part of it, isn't it? Even if our home is good and we are loved, we still are looking for someone outside of it to tell us we are good. Almost as if our families don't count, because they "have to like us". And what if we feel like our families don't like us? How much more do we look to outside sources for that attention/acceptance.

Several different years while in college I spent a week as a counselor at a camp for girls in Utah. I'm not sure how they would describe it, but I always nicknamed it "self-esteem" camp. It was always such an intense week, being responsible for 12 teenage girls (I usually had the 12 or 13 year olds) making sure they were in class, that they were in their rooms at night, teaching them lessons, listening to them, etc. Many of them came from good homes, but many had come from awful life experiences. At age 12. Some of my precious 12 year olds had gone through some of the worst things I could imagine at such young ages. That camp was hard. And every year after it was done when I was exhausted (mostly mentally/emotionally) beyond belief I swore I would never do it again, but I kept doing it. Because I loved it. I loved seeing the way the girls would change over the tiny period of a week. I loved seeing how me and others giving them love and time AND clear rules/boundaries/consequences affected them for good. Because if they didn't get it from somewhere good, where were they going to get it from?

And that's part of it. If you aren't getting enough of what you need from somewhere good, and you already feel bad about yourself for whatever reason, you start to look for it from anywhere you can, or from where it's easy. But that doesn't really help solve the problem, because then you are getting "what you need" and it feels "good" but on some level you know that it isn't really good or what you need at all. (I suppose alternately you sit at home being sad and lonely and that isn't really a great thing either.)

Why don't people know how wonderful they are? And I don't mean in a narcissistic way of course. I mean why don't women and girls understand how important they are, how beautiful they are, how special they are? (I'm not saying dudes are unimportant or anything, I'm just not really addressing them here.)

I think about Ecuador and what I learned with my wonderful baby orphans. I think about how much I learned about love, how much those kids who didn't know me loved me from the start, how they loved me no matter what. I think about how much I still love them, and remembering the intensity with which I felt that love and remembering how I knew then and know now that it was only the tiniest smidgen of how much God loves them and by extension me. Me! It is both unbelievable but true, all at the same time.

How much I wish I could teach someone that today. How much I wish that I could take my friend and hug her and convince her that everything really is going to be ok. And how much I wish I could make her know how beautiful, special, and important she is. Because she is.

And so are you.

I'm Drowning.

2010-05-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

(Ok, not literally, I totally know how to swim.)

I don't even know how to put this post into words, but feel like I need/want to. There is something about being honest and writing down what is going on in my head that really helps me to process and move ahead. (and why not share it with the blog world?)

Right now I feel like I am out in the middle of the ocean. I've been out here a while, and at first I was ok, because I am a strong swimmer. But now I'm getting real tired. I know it's impossible to tread water forever, but there doesn't seem to be any land nearby to swim to.

I feel like all aspects of my life are out of balance.

I can't seem to get anything done beyond the basic necessities: feeding the humans & keeping these things relatively clean: humans, laundry, dishes. Occasionally I get to the vacuuming or bathroom, but I NEVER get to things like filing papers, deep cleaning anything, or simple projects like hanging pictures. I do recognize that most of this is a product of having two very small children, and that when I do have free time I am too exhausted to complete these tasks, but it is still extremely frustrating to feel seemingly incapable sometimes.

What's stranger yet is the balance of my time. On the one hand the two little people keep me SO busy. Harmon is a wonderful but very demanding of attention kind of a kid. He will commonly sit down on the floor and look up at you and say "play?" and how can you say no to that? (Even if you have just been playing with him the past several hours, it's still hard to say no...) Sammy also does not love playing by herself near as much as she does playing with me, and caring for a little baby is time consuming. On the other hand, I am often super bored, out of ideas of how to entertain myself and the small people, especially on rainy days. There are only so many trips to the mall playground you can handle, and I won't even bring up the nap schedule that keeps us home most of the day.

Not shockingly my loneliness issue has not greatly improved. I have made greater efforts, and have felt the benefits of those efforts, both in friendships old and new. But new friendships still take time, and my old friends still all live at least a bit of a distance away (if not out of the state). Things are getting better, but I still feel lonely all the time, like I am lacking a real sustaining connection. I suppose since I am fairly certain I am not a real sustaining connection to any of my friends, I shouldn't be that surprised, but it still is stinky.

I realize there is a major need in my life for me to carve out time for myself. It's so easy to "blame" all my problems on caring for my children. (I don't mean that I am blaming them in any aspect, I chose to have them both, and not like they are doing anything other than being wonderful children who choose not to sleep very much.) But that's playing a martyr and that's ridiculous. There is no reason I can't have more balance to my life, I just have to do the work to get there. And amazingly if I was more balanced I am pretty sure it would mean better things for my children as well. If it means giving up sitting on the couch and watching stupid TV shows (but still watching the ones I like) in favor of filing the papers, or going to a friend's house even if the baby misses part of her nap, then I need to do it. For my own sanity and balance. Because I'm tired from swimming and need to find some land.

So I guess that's the answer. I have to keep swimming towards where I know the land is, even if I can't see it yet. Treading water won't get me anywhere.

[Sorry if that was the lamest metaphor EVER]

Thank you hips

2010-04-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

The past several days my hips have hurt. Bad. Like they do when they are growing wider to make way for giant babies. And I complained. A lot. Because what's up with that?

And then yesterday I found out what they were up to. Moving back in so my pants can fit.

Hips, I'm sorry I doubted you, and thanks, because I was getting tired of only wearing one pair of pants.

I'm Lonely... or Friendship Is Hard

2010-03-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

I think I am always thinking about this topic. Not like I sit around being like "oooooh I am soooo loooonely" because really I don't have a ton of time to do that. But when I think about the things that are lacking in my life, friendship is really number one.

Don't get me wrong. I have lots of AMAZING friends. Most of them don't live next door, in fact they live real far away and that's where the problem comes in. Some are wonderful best friends that I should call on the phone more, but don't because I'm lame. Some used to live in the same room as me, and we are fortunate to keep in contact via internet moderately well. Some are so ridiculously busy I just have to think of them fondly and read old emails to have a laugh. I often wonder how I have been blessed with so many hilarious caring wonderful friends. I really should keep in better touch, but part of the issue is I am lazy. When I have a free minute finding the phone seems too difficult, sitting on the couch a much easier option.

Although I could keep better in touch with my friends that live out of state, it seems that I can't manage to see enough of my friends that live within a 3o mile radius of my house. Partly it's my schedule. If my kids don't nap, there are severe consequences that I am unwilling to deal with. Mainly extreme crankiness and waking up all night long. Either way, I am a slave to the naps. Partly it's my friends, they have lives too, and for some reason they aren't always ready to get together in the instant my family becomes ready for some sort of visit/outing. And finally, it's laziness on my part. I could set up more things, but I don't, because I am exhausted and lazy.

Lastly there is my ward. Our last ward was nice, but we didn't get to know too many people. I didn't make a lot of friends the first many months, then after having Harmon I layed in bed with a broken tailbone (among other things) for at least three months making doing much of anything impossible. Wonderful friends came to visit but I really was extremely lonely. No one told me that having a baby would be so isolating. And then when I was able to start getting out more we moved. And this ward has been the same slow start. The first Sunday I remember a few great people saying hello and getting me on the playgroup email list. But I was pregnant and sick and very very tired. And Harmon always managed to be napping during playgroup. And now here we are, almost 10 months into this ward, and I am just starting to make friends. And I hate it. Making friends takes work. It takes time. Time that I don't have and work that I don't want to do. I miss the days of instant friends, people you instantly click with, or even having the time (or energy) to make friendships. Perhaps it's just part of getting older, but it's hard.

I think it's obvious to see the real issue is my lack of effort. A few situational issues contributed to my current state, but there is no reason that I can't: A. keep in better touch with my best friends B. visit with my current local friends more and C. make a better effort to create new friendships close to my house. I guess I will have to either do the work [with great rewards!] or stop complaining about being lonely. Ugh.

Baby Steps

2010-02-27T07:50:00.000-08:00

Mine, not my children's. I had been meaning to write this post, but Cheri's comment made me do it faster.

Fly Lady is great. It works so well for so many people. But not for me. It's not because I can't do it. She has a great method for building into it, and starting where you are so you are not overwhelmed. I however can't. I always just want to jump into ALL of it. Which is impossible when your house starts out the way mine does. I suppose if your house looked the opposite of mine, then you wouldn't need Fly Lady at all, because you would be good at managing it already.

So, what to do? I invented my own teeny tiny program. And the little program is the entire program, so that I don't have to feel bad because I'm not doing it all. The basis of which is stolen from Fly Lady though. 15 min a day. Ever. Oh sure, if I get into a project I go over, but I don't have to. I always have the option to stop.

Monday: Kids Room
Tuesday: Bedroom
Wednesday: Office
Thursday: Front room
Friday: Kitchen & Dining
Saturday: Bathroom
Sunday: Car & Garage

This way on Wednesdays when I have only decluttered the office for 15 min, I can take joy in knowing I'm done for the day, even if the huge amount of chaos doesn't look changed a bit. Or it assures that my front room gets vacuumed every week. It's strange, but it's hard for me to take baby steps when it comes to cleaning. I either have to do the entire huge project (clean out the whole office, vacuum the whole house, etc) or do almost nothing at all. The latter usually happens, resulting in any good cleaning intentions I had to come to naught.

Anyway the bottom line of my new program is that it is working for me. And that's a good thing.

What made everyone better made me worse

2010-02-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

Or so it seems. I have long been a lover of taking pictures. I love film, I love developing film, I love prints in your hand. And then digital had to come and ruin my love of photography. That's not true, I still love it, just now I suck instead. Here are the conclusions I have come to:

1. Digital has made me lazy. Instead of thinking I have to get a shot right because each click costs money, I can take a billion and hope that one turns out.

2. From my research my digital SLR was supposed to be approximately the same as my beloved film camera. It's not. It cost twice as much and is half as good. Maybe I should get a new lens, that could help.

3. Photoshop, cropping, etc. I don't do a lot of this mainly because I'm lazy. But now everyone has beautiful pictures. [for which I am glad, I don't begrudge anyone their pretty pictures, I just miss mine] It seems like cheating for me, like I am betraying my photos [because photos have feelings and it would be rude to make them upset by changing them?]

4. I am mostly just being a whiny baby who is sad she can't take a good picture to save her life. Maybe I should find my film camera and go back. That seems like a pretty good [ugh expensive!] idea.

February

2010-01-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

I just reviewed my lengthy list of things that need done before October 23rd. It's a lot of things still. So, for February I will be: flossing every day, doing Fly Lady, and beginning my two months of pilates or yoga 2x week. You may think it's lame that I am using the shortest month for two monthly things, but whatever, I have two kids under 16 months. Oh, and I'm lazy.

It seems this summer I will be swimming across Lake Washington, doing a Triathlon, and hiking to Leigh Lake.

Also I will be writing in my journal 141 times. Oh wait, that doesn't make up for weekly. Oops.

Not Being Pregnant

2009-12-28T08:05:00.001-08:00

Is so great. I can sleep, I can turn over, and maybe one day I can stop being fat. Also I have a great baby. Oh man, it's really the best. Poor Aaron tries not to be sad when I tell him I'm not making any more babies, that we are going to adopt the rest.

Baby Sammy's Home Birth Story

2009-12-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

Warning: this may contain details which you may consider TMI. Also it's real long. Read at your own risk.

Perhaps timeline style is the best choice for this story.

Thursday 12/10/09:
7:20pm First contraction. They alternate between 40 and 20 min apart. When I go to bed they become an hour apart. By morning they are gone.

Friday 12/11/09:
7:40pm Contraction. Follow exact pattern as Thursday except don't call midwife because what if they stop again. They stop, just like Thursday.

Saturday 12/12/09:
One stronger contraction in the night. I have re-given up on actually making a baby come out of me.

Sunday 12/13/09:
Extremely frustrated. By one count I am two weeks overdue. By another just a week. By the ultrasound just two days. Can't imagine being pregnant another week, hating the thought of Aaron going back to work the next day. Around 8 or 9pm contractions start again. Have them every hour or so through the night, skipping only the 4am hour.

Monday 12/14/09:
Since contractions did not stop during the night, Aaron decides to stay home. Maybe a baby will come out after all. Spent the day resting, contractions jump around from 20 minutes to 40 minutes and all around. Talk to midwife. She convinces me it's normal. I am still not happy, even though they aren't horrifyingly painful. I am just tired of waiting.

Around 10 we decide to go to bed, contractions are about 15-20 min apart. I lay down and can't sleep, as the pain is getting worse. Luckily Aaron goes right to sleep. By 11:30 I get up, as I am not sleeping anyway, I may as well watch TV right? I spend the contractions leaning on the birthing/exercise ball and rocking back and forth, focusing on my breathing. This is really funny to me because with Harmon all I ever was focusing on was not dying. And, after his birth if someone would have told me (as many sources did before) that I should have focused on breathing, I would have likely chopped them. At any rate, breathing was doing the trick this time.

At 1am my contractions had moved down to around 6-10 min apart, and I noticed that I was zoning out during them, instead of being able to at least follow what was going on on tv. I decided to call the midwife, just to check in again. I also felt stupid because I didn't want to be the girl who cried "labor" for the billionth time. (There was also the time a few weeks ago that I thought my water may have broken, but didn't. That was a daytime call though, and they were quite nice and unperturbed by it. Actually they were always amazingly reassuring, even when my labor was being all crazy.) Heather (the midwife) said she would come over at 2, because I needed antibiotics, and that if it was time for them (her plus two student midwives) to stay they would, if not we would make another plan. Aaron woke up, I called to have the labor tub delivered, and I called my mom to come over to watch Harmon if/when he woke up.

At 2 Heather showed up, followed quickly by Tonya (student midwife), the tub delivery lady, my mom, and Kyla (other student midwife). It was like a party. I still felt pretty good between contractions and was feeling like an idiot for having everyone assembled if I wasn't really going to have a baby that night/morning. At 2:30 they checked me and I was dilated to a 4-5. I told them right before that if I was only a 2 they should just lie to me and say 3. I was happy with what they found instead. And I was at a zero station. They gave me my antibiotics for group b strep, and I spent a while laying in bed or down on my knees during contractions. Kneeling seemed to be the best.

Around 4am I was still feeling good between contractions. They were closer together, from 4-6 min on average, with some 9 minutes in there as well. I had stopped keeping track, but Aaron seems to have snuck in a pretty good record somehow. Maybe because his wife wasn't on the floor moaning and wishing for death like last time? The tub had been half filled and was awaiting the hot water heater to recharge and I decided to get in. We turned the hose back on and began to fill it until the hot was gone again.

The water was AMAZING. In real life I love to swim. I love to be in the water. And with Harmon I was so sad the two times I got into the tub I had to get out because my contractions would slow down. This time it was meant to be. I was in the tub from about 4:20 until I had the baby, getting out once to try to go to the bathroom. The pressure was so horrible for the short time I was out (maybe a minute?), oh how happy I was when I got back in.

Around 5am they did another cervical exam at my request, as I was worried (again) that I wasn't making much progress, I felt much too good. I was talking between contractions, making jokes, eating crackers & juice, etc. It had to still be too early in labor... They checked and I was now a 7, at a +1 station. For real? Awesome. Heather and Tonya joked that I was quietly ambling my way along. Kyla had left because they got another call of another woman in labor, and around this same time Heather got a text announcing that the other lady, who went into labor at 8pm had her baby at 430am. Her first baby. Jerk! But I was feeling good in my happy tub so I wasn't too angry with some lady I had never met... With each approaching contraction I would announce "here comes some fun" which was Aaron's cue to come over and push on my lower back while I got on my knees and held my tummy and rocked.

For the next hour all the contractions hovered around the 5 min apart mark. They were getting stronger, and I could feel the baby moving down some. This was amazing to me, because I was comparing everything to Harmon's birth, and with him I felt nothing but horrifying pain. Sometimes in the middle of the contractions I would say silly things like "yes, go down, good" but for whatever reason they seemed to help me mentally deal with the pain. Nearer to the end I would begin to let my breathing get out of control and Heather would gently say something like "stick with it Kelsey" and I would work hard to get it back and it would work pretty well. I was in a fair amount of pain, but was still talking and joking between the contractions.

Just before 6am I barfed. Luckily just crackers and juice. And luckily into the bowl I had gotten out earlier. At 630 I barfed again. Just water this time! Still gross. Sometime in the 6am hour after barfing I was checked again and was a stretchy 9. I was pretty sleepy tired by this point, but still able to carry on conversations between contractions. Tonya told me I could push the baby through it when I was ready. After a while I actually felt the urge to push. And the times that I did, I did. And when I didn't, I didn't.

Harmon woke up around 6:45ish and my mom brought him out. He wanted to swim in the "bath" real bad. I don't blame him, because isn't a hot tub in your front room in front of the tv the best idea ever? I think so. We are thinking about getting one for there permanently. But I am off topic now...

I probably started pushing just before 7am. It hurt. Real bad. Ok, not horrific like Harmon, but real bad. Before long the baby was crowning and Tonya suggested breaking my water, because it hadn't on it's own yet. She did, the water was clear, and within a few more minutes of horrible pushing (and screaming, no controlled breathing here!) her head was halfway out. That was the worst part. Head halfway out. The next round of contractions got her body out, which was annoyingly difficult because I remembered Harmon's body just falling out. Of course with Harmon I had gravity working and his melon was so big, and Sammy's chest was the same size as her head, so I now see why. But whatever, it wasn't so bad, I was just not enjoying myself too much at the time. And then she was out. And Aaron who caught her was handing her to me. And I was happy, looking at my tiny baby.

Oh sure, you say she's not tiny. But when you have a giant come out first time around, she looks mighty tiny to me. Harmon got to put his feet in the tub and we spent a moment as a family getting our first photo taken. Aaron and I are smiling, Harmon is trying to get all the way into the pool, and Sammy is showing off her impressive lungs. It's a pretty great photo. That none of you will ever see.

Harmon got passed back to my mom, I passed Sammy off to Aaron and got out of the tub to deliver the placenta because it had split. I got a lovely shot of pitocin to my leg to help get out the chunk stuck inside. It all came out, and I begged Heather and Tonya to tell me if/how badly I was torn. A tiny surface tear. That's all? I forgot to add the part about during pushing Tonya putting pressure on my perineum to protect me from tearing something horrible like last time. She is a wonderful wonderful person. I asked how many stitches. None. What? But only if I promised to stay in bed for a week and keep my legs together to be safe. Otherwise one or two. I chose the stitches, and ended up with two, a tiny figure 8.

We moved into the bedroom and lovely Samantha Jane showed her extreme talent for nursing. She is a champ. The midwives cleaned up and left, and my mom hung out with Harmon while Aaron, Samantha, and I napped.

The best part (besides getting another lovely baby) (and being in the water for so long) was not having to go anywhere. I didn't have to drive to the birth center or hospital, and I got to sleep in my own bed when I was done. All my stuff was here, and it was so comfortable and relaxed. We didn't have to leave Harmon with anyone (luckily Momo came to us) and it was wonderful to have him here when his sister arrived.

I feel so good. It was frustrating waiting so long, and labor was long but also SO easy (comparatively). I cannot believe how good I felt through most of the labor, how coherent and how much less pain I had. I am so glad to not have a broken tailbone (like with Harmon) almost zero tearing, almost zero pain afterwards. I am tired, but that is probably mostly due to staying up all night. Aaron is taking the week off to take care of us, and my mom came back today to babysit us while Aaron was at a job interview.

Life. Is. Great.

Samantha Jane Evans
Born 12.15.09 at 7:24am
8lbs 10oz, 21", 36cm head circumference

Jerky Pregnancy Post

2009-12-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

*I want to preface this post by saying it's jerky to even write it at all. I am keenly aware that there are many ladies who desperately would love to be pregnant, and to endure happily all that goes with it. So please know that despite everything I am about to write, I am grateful for the opportunity to have kids.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I hate being pregnant. And that is not just the end of pregnancy talking. Growing children seems to be the most annoying thing in the whole world to me. And I am pretty sure I have relatively easy uneventful pregnancies (or everyone is better at complaining? I doubt it.) Also, I am aware that I chose to do it twice within a very short period. I take full responsibility for that!

Just a few things I really hate about being pregnant:
-nausea
-barfing
-extreme tiredness
-not being able to sleep
-not being able to get out of bed in a timely fashion due to immense girth
-shoulders falling asleep during the night due to extra body weight pushing on them
-hating food
-not being able to bend
-ugly clothes
-getting fat
-never sleeping more than an hour at a time
-back & hip pain
-squashed stomach
-hating good smells like chocolate chips
-running into everything
-taking an hour to turn over in bed
-did I mention the extreme tiredness?

This list seems to wussy. I swear it's way worse than that.

If you haven't stopped reading I need to add this final and extremely important point: although I hate growing humans, I LOVE when they are on the outside. Harmon has been such an amazing delight to me and I can only imagine how much more happiness (and chaos) will be added in just a few days with the birth of baby nina.

On Birthing.

2009-10-26T15:11:00.001-07:00

This year I spent the 48 hours before Harmon's actual time of birth reminiscing about it. Every so often I would say to Aaron, Lois, or myself "this time last year I was doing..." Everything from "getting an ultrasound where they told me my baby was 9.5lbs" to 5am when I said to Aaron "only 2 hours and 44 minutes more of pushing and Harmon will be born." I hardly slept the night of the 23rd, just thinking about it. I still think those were the most anxious/excited 19 hours of my life (early labor) followed by the most painful 12 (not early labor), but they are also ultimately precious to me. Some people think that I am crazy for doing things the way I did, and perhaps I am, but if I had to choose to do it over knowing it would be exactly the same, I would. (In fact I am, aren't I? Ok, I do hope it will be shorter and less painful...) I somehow feel so empowered by the way I did it, it helped me recognize a strength I didn't realize I had. I also am not suggesting this is the way everyone should do it, but it was perfect for me. All I'm really trying to say is that reminiscing was both painful, and sweet. I couldn't help but cry when I kissed my baby at 7:44am one year after I held him for the first time.

In other birthing news, although I am ready for this baby to be out of me now, I am panicked thinking of all the things I have to get done before then. The thought that baby nina could come out safely in about 3 weeks is INSANE. I am hoping she will stick closer to her due date, and that I will somehow manage to be productive in the meantime. Maybe that means doing work while my child is sleeping instead of blogging. Nah.

Haircut?

2009-10-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

My hair is driving me crazy. Your hair is supposed to not fall out and be all luxurious during pregnancy. It's a lie. Ok, maybe it's not a lie. With Harmon, I had fast growing thicker hair. With baby niña, I seem to be shedding insanely. I still have thick hair, and it's still growing fast, but I am tired of finding my hair all over the house, and most especially between my child's fingers on a regular basis.

Plus my hair is too long. It doesn't look good. And it takes forever to do anything to it. Also, I want bangs again. Just a little bit of bangs. Enough to cover up part of my pale face. Which brings me to my next point, my skin is sick without the sun. All you normally pale people, you are good-looking in the winter. But I am not. If only I believed in fake tanning.

But back to my other point. I want to cut my hair. But I have deliberately grown it out to the length it is to donate it to Locks of Love. And it's just not quite ready to be cut yet. I mean, if I want to look like I didn't just give myself a boy haircut. But it's calling to me. Oh Britney, how much I understand you on nights like tonight...

De-cluttering for idiots

2009-09-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Or rather, how to not acquire more stuff.

I love to buy things. The main problem with this is that I buy lots of small cheap things, big things just don't tempt me as much as a "good deal". I also love to keep said (mostly useless) things. I also end up collecting many pieces of paper with a small bit of sentimental value, or receipts and coupons, or anything that I "may need" one day. I don't know how to solve the papers problem. But I have figured out the lots of cheap junk thing:

Don't go to the store. Since we have been on a tight budget, and knowing I can't resist the dollar section and clearance items at Target (among other stores), I decided to just not go at all. The result? A. Zero spending on things I don't need (good) B. No new junky things are coming to live at my house (super good).

Unfortunately (ok, not so unfortunate) Aaron is scheduled to start at Amazon this week and has been doing some consulting work, so the moratorium on spending may soon be lifted. I would like to think that I have learned self-control but know it's untrue, since recently I was given a giftcard to Target (by Target, for creating a baby registry, hah!) and proceeded to spend it on small junky things that I didn't need. Except for the Sesame Street pumpkin carving kit. You KNOW I needed that.

Word Vomit

2009-09-10T20:45:00.001-07:00

I love talking. I like stimulating conversation about important topics. I also like gossiping about totally unimportant things. Talking is really great. But what happens when you spend all day with a baby and don't talk to adults? You go crazy. And then when you get a chance to talk to your husband, you talk so fast your lips may fall off. You recount really meaningless things that you would not have otherwise shared with anyone ("the checker at the grocery store today seemed unhappy to take my coupons"). If it stopped with your husband, it would probably be ok. He would understand that you were crazy from lack of adult conversations and would listen to you even if you talked incessantly about ultimately boring things.

But it doesn't end there, does it? I go to the midwife, and I jabber. I see my mom, and I jabber. I get together with a friend, someone at church, someone in the store, anyone!, and I spew words. I can't even help it. And I know it's happening, but I'm powerless to stop it. It's embarrassing really. I mean come on Harmon, is it too much to ask for you to carry on meaningful conversations while playing with blocks? Seriously.

The Second Birth...

2009-08-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

The first time I was pregnant I had no idea what to expect for giving birth.

Somehow I decided (surely influenced by my mother and my friend Jacki's natural births) that I wanted to have my baby as naturally as possible. My mom had told me stories about her three births (one I witnessed as a teenager) and the things she liked and would have done differently if possible (like changing positions, etc). It seemed to me at the time that using a midwife and a birthing center like Jacki had done was the best way to be able to "birth on my own terms". That way I could move around, not feel too pressured to progress faster, get in the tub, not worry about getting an epidural (as none would be available). Most people I'm sure thought I was crazy. But to each their own, right?

Well as it turned out, it was insane. I had read just about every book on birthing and especially birthing naturally I could get my hands on, and taken a class "birthing from within" (based on the book) with Aaron that helped teach pain management techniques. I knew that I could not even imagine what it would be like, which was both terrifying and somewhat freeing. In the end being two weeks overdue and successfully birthing my wonderful 10lb 12oz 23" Harmon was beyond horribly difficult, but the most amazing thing I have ever done (Read it here if you like). I still think about the experience on a regular basis, and am still not only proud of myself, but happy I chose to do things the way I did.

My parents however, were not as pleased with the experience. My poor mom spent much of the night in the car outside the birth center, not wanting to disturb us, but thinking that labor was taking way too long and something could be wrong. My dad and step-mom were concerned after hearing of the ordeal, and especially when I was unable to sit for 3 months after giving birth.

This time around, I am on different insurance, and as a result have two options for birth instead of three: hospital or home birth. Last time I really liked being away from the hospital (but still really close if there would have been a problem) and also away from our teeny tiny house. But this time there is no option for a free-standing birth center. And I still have no desire at this point for a home birth. Truthfully there is a third option, and that's the option I have chosen, a "birth center" on one of the floors of the hospital. I do get to use midwives (which I love!) but I worry that it will be similar enough to being in a hospital. I worry that I will have to stay too long (I stayed at the birth center for about 6 hours after having Harmon) or that I will break down and get some drugs pumped into me. On the plus side, my parents are all overjoyed at the word "hospital" even though my baby and I were just fine last time.

Maybe they are silly things to worry about, because I do know that however my baby girl decides to come out will be fine. I will be so happy to have her safe that it will likely overshadow anything else that happens along the way. I suppose it's partially just my desire to have control that plays into my fears about "how it will be". I also find myself wondering how my labor will be, if it will be just as long and painful, if I will have an abnormally large child again, if I can do it the same way again, if I can do it again at all.

It seems I would just be better off with my thinking from the first time: I have no idea what to expect. And that's ok.

Why Blog?

2009-08-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Warning, this may be a totally boring post.

I have been thinking the past few days about why blogging is so incredibly popular. Specifically I have been wondering why I like to blog and why I like to read other people's blogs.

Reading Blogs
1. It makes me feel like I keep in touch with my friends. Admittedly I am not so good anymore with the telephone, and this way when it is late or early or I have a minute I can see more or less what they are up to. I would like to pretend that I mostly need it for my far away friends, but I don't keep in very good touch with my closer friends either.

2. It's cathartic. I read a fair amount of what could be deemed "mommy blogs" of people I don't know. Most of them are funny, a few sad and some just interesting.

3. I like to see what acquaintances are up to. It's so weird, but I am a total blog stalker.

Writing Blogs
1. I really feel like I should keep a journal, but am terrible at it. Typing is much faster than writing things by hand, and it's all in one place, not in several books spread throughout boxes and shelves in my house.

2. Some claim to enjoy looking at excessive pictures of my child and/or reading my terrible letters to people. I enjoy that.

3. Again, it's cathartic. Being mostly alone all day (with Harmon) life can often get boring. No offense to Harmon, but he doesn't carry on a conversation very well yet. It gives me a chance to say a lot of the things I would just say to another adult human if they were in the room. Additionally it lessens my rage for some of the people I encounter if I write it down instead of ramming them with my car. It lets me get my thoughts out, with only some worry of boring people. I figure if I ever am too boring, I'm not forcing anyone to read.

So, this was a pointless post, just something that had been floating around in my head. Also I just spell checked and had no misspellings. Boo-yah.

Never Before and Never Since...

2009-07-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Several months ago Aaron and I popped in a DVD I made from photos of the kids in Ecuador from 2004. It's set to music, and meant to make you cry, if you are wussy like me. Turns out I am wussy like me. Anyway, the first song is 10,000 Maniacs "These Are The Days". And I thought as I watched it and listened to the lyrics that say "never before and never since...will the whole world be warm as this" as I have thought many times before, how true it is.

When I watch that video, when I think about those kids, when I think about the time I spent in Ecuador, I feel that so deeply. It was such a magical amazing time. And going back is never the same. It can't be. And that makes going back hurt. Even if going back is fun, and fulfilling, and wonderful, it's just not the same, and it never will be. And that's ok.

When I hear that song I also think of my freshman year of college. The same song is played over a video that the lovely Jacki created of video clips. And I feel the same but different about that period in my life too. I think about all the fun we had, how late we stayed up, how much annoyance we must have caused other people, how easy it was to be carefree, and how I didn't know how good I had it. But life will never be like that again. And that's ok too.

Because now I'm in a different chapter of life. One that some days seems so monotonous and dull, but is filled with so many moments of explosive joy and happiness. It's so easy (in every stage of life) to think back on the past longingly, to think it can't compare to right now, and really, sometimes it can't. During truly rough periods the past is far better than the present. But I think more often than not, we are in a stage in life that we will later look back on fondly. I sometimes find myself wishing that Harmon was a little older, but I know like all other parents on the planet that when he is I will miss little(ish) H. I will miss his army crawl and screaming "maaaaaaaa" (mas, which means more) at dinner, and I will think about how the world never was so warm, and that it won't be again, at least not in the same way. But that's what's great. If I stop and think about it, I can more fully enjoy right now and make even greater memories. And that's pretty great. As the song says, I do know I'm blessed and lucky.

I guess I was feeling emotional. I blame pregnancy.

Night Mind

2009-07-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

I write the best blog posts. While laying in bed at night trying to sleep. Oh, they are so witty and filled with interesting hilarious things. And then the next day, I have no idea what I wanted to write about. It really is a tragedy.

But what's that about anyway? Why is it when I lay down I can't just go to sleep? I'm not a worrier. I don't sit up half the night thinking about all the things I need to do, haven't done, problems, whatever. I sit up (ok lay down) half the night thinking about stupid random things. And often successfully manage to keep Aaron up way later than he wants listening to me ramble. "Remember today when that lady cut me off? She was a bad driver." "Do you think I should buy Harmon some new pants, his are getting small." "Stop snoring." See? All REALLY stupid unnecessary things (ok except stop snoring.)

Anyway. I wish I knew how to solve this problem. Maybe if I just brought my laptop to bed I could write funny blogs and stop thinking about minuscule details of the day. Or I could sleep. I'm just sayin.

New Pants!

2009-02-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

Dear one person who may read this,

I bought new pants on Saturday. Big deal right? Yes, because although my child will be 4 months old tomorrow I had still been wearing maternity pants, with the exception of the pair of pants my mom got me for Christmas. And now, I own 3 pairs of real people pants that fit me. Thank you hips for moving inward, because I know I am still mighty fat. But oh how I love real pants! I had been putting off buying any because I wanted to wait until I was skinny again. This is stupid for several reasons, including the fact that I already have an army of pants for that desired size. But my new inbetween size real pants, you will serve me well. See you again someday maternity pants. You served me well.

The end.

I totally won.

2008-12-23T14:22:00.001-08:00

I never win anything (ok, so not like I enter a lot of anything) but lo and behold I won an awesome handmade bag on my friend Casey's blog. She is super talented and you should totally buy things from her etsy store. The reason I am posting it on this blog? Because I totally got to cross another thing off my list! Totally! (I use that word perhaps a bit too much.)

The Whole Story, More or Less

2008-11-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

Tuesday the 21st we went to the midwife for a check, as I was 9 days overdue. Everything sounded and looked good, and I was dilated to a 1.5ish. The next day I went to the clinic at the hospital to have an ultrasound and non-stress test, to make sure everything really was ok with my little guy. At the ultrasound the technician announced "Looks like he's 9.5lbs!" The doctor then confirmed this, but tried to make me feel better, telling me that it's not very accurate over 9lbs (so I was thinking ok, maybe he's 9 and a hair... oh future self is laughing right now). But everything looked great, heart, lungs, etc, and so they said they would see me back on Friday if I hadn't delivered yet.

My midwife told me she would sweep my membranes Wednesday morning, but never called and when I called her she was asleep-she had been up all night at a delivery. We planned to talk after my ultrasound and then meet after to do the sweep. When we talked after she was concerned that doing the sweep would make me go into labor that night, and thought starting in the morning would be better (plus I'm sure she was still tired from the night before).

Wednesday night we went to my mom's for a while and hung out with Caelin playing Wii Fit. Now when everyone gives advice for what to do to go into labor, I will be chiming in that playing hula hoop on Wii Fit is the answer. We went home and went to bed, and about 11:45 I woke up with a contraction. I was excited, but managed to go back to sleep. I had a couple more, about an hour apart, and I was sleeping between them. By morning they were 15-20 min apart, and I stopped sleeping through them around 7. I got out of bed by 8, and Aaron and I hung around the house, packing 40 million things we didn't need to take with us, making cookies, and being excited. A bit before noon we went to Robinswood park and the Temple to walk around. After I wanted lunch, so I made the excellent choice of Las Margaritas so I could partake of their chips and salsa and a cheese enchilada. Maybe not the BEST choice, but it seemed good enough at the time. By then I was having contractions 5-7 min apart. I told Aaron it was like a funny secret, although later on it was a lot less funny.

After lunch we went to my mom's, to say hi, to pass time, etc. We played yahtzee and Aaron played Wii Fit Hula, and my mom started timing contractions. At about 3:30 we called the midwife to tell her the contractions were 5 min apart for an hour. She said call back when they were stronger. So we walked around the block a couple times, and they were closer together, and stronger as well. I was starting to lose my happiness, and my mom and Aaron were concerned. We called the midwife and she said to just keep waiting, but after a bit we put in another call and convinced her to meet us at the birthing center. We met her around 5:45 and she checked me. I was dilated only to a 2, but was now fully effaced. We sat around talking to her and the assistant, and they essentially sent us back home to try to watch a movie.

Driving away out of the parking lot my body decided it was time to see lunch again, and since all I had was a blanket, out it came into the blanket. Fun. We went back to my mom's, and I took a shower while Aaron ate dinner. The shower felt great except for needing to get on the floor every couple minutes in intense pain (or so I thought it was intense pain at the time!) After the shower I laid on the floor in horrifying pain, and tried to eat some trail mix and juice. I say tried because I lost what I ate two more times. Eventually I thought the baby better come out soon so we went back to the birth center. It was about 9 when we got there. I managed to get one more barfing in, in the car, but this time I was prepared with a bowl.

When we got back to the birth center I got checked and was dilated to a 6. Good progress, but let's not lie, I wanted to be a 10 right then. At this point my timeline becomes hazy, as I was in and out of it the rest of the time. They let me get in the tub, which was nice, but slowed down my contractions so I eventually had to get out. Then I sat on the birthing stool for a while, which is the evilest contraption known to woman. Ok, maybe not all are, but this one was pipes formed into a bottomless chair with just a bit of foam for padding. If you like your legs to fall asleep, this is the chair for you. At some point I was checked and dilated to an 8. At some point I got back into the tub and was real happy. I think I was dilated to a 9.5, with just a lip left. The midwife assistant was having me push, trying to get the baby's head around it. This was totally unsuccessful, and again the tub made my contractions slow down, so out I was forced again. I was so sad, the warm tub was the only happy place. They moved me to the bed, on my side/stomach and I endured what was the most most most horrible pain (until the pushing) while being told "relax, calm your body" to which I responded by yelling "I CAN'T". They told me later I wasn't really yelling, but it sure felt like I was. I slept (sort of) in between contractions, and at one point I am told by Aaron I went 10 minutes without a contraction. I was probably happy, but that was obviously not the best thing to have happen.

At some point (as I said, time became very abstract) I was moved to the birth stool again (boooo) and was there pushing for a while. Later I was moved to the toilet because I kept yelling that I needed to go... TMI of course, I didn't really need to go, just felt like it. After a while of pushing on the toilet, I got back to the birth stool. Again, boooo. Pushing and pushing and pushing and eventually the midwife assistant says "ok I see the head!" They find a mirror and try to show me but the baby has slipped back up. This is the most frustrating part, as now I am pushing and every time I get done with a contraction the baby slips back up and all my work is in vain. They tell me this is normal, and each give me some formula as follows: first push gets baby back where he was, second push stretches, third push moves him farther, and fourth push is icing on the cake. I just wanted it to stop!!! The entire time I am thinking: why am I so stupid, why did I choose this, I need drugs, all of Harmon's siblings will be born at the hospital, somebody get this kid out of me by any means necessary, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Eventually they are able to show me and Aaron the head and I think: Oh no, that is NOT going to fit out there!!!!!!!!!!! They tell me that seeing the head will motivate me to push him out, and I am thinking, no, it is motivating me to panic and want this all to end! Ah, around 6 or so (according to Aaron who knew what time it was) they put an IV in me because I had only gatorade and water in me and was exhausted. I went through two bags of that, and since I had been in labor so long, I was on my third round of antibiotics for group B strep. They don't often give IVs, and as a result poked me at least twice before being successful. I had a cool bruise later on.

Ok, so back to the pushing. Aaron says I pushed for about 3 hours total, and although lots of ladies say pushing felt good to them, it did not to me. Not only did I have the infamous burning, I also had horrible awful pain, and was thinking I cannot do this, there is no way. At some point I asked Aaron to say a prayer, so we all stopped and he said a prayer. Somehow after that I managed to birth my child. I figure it was only because of the prayer, because I was not having much success before (even my midwife admitted she was thinking of the hospital, needing a vacuum extraction or forceps) I finally managed to get him out when he got lodged at the end, and I didn't want to lose anymore ground that time. Aaron said "one more push!" and two later I shot my child's head out of me! Next a small push shot the rest of him out into Aaron's waiting hands. (My midwife later told me they wouldn't let me back into the tub which I had been begging for because by this point they had realized he was real big and were worried about a rough shoulder delivery).

Aaron handed him to me and all pain stopped, and I looked at him and thought: WHAT? This kid is giant, look at those hands and feet!!! And I loved him even more than I did when he was on the inside. Side note: Aaron now believes me that my baby was tickling me, and hurting me with his strong feet once he saw how big they all were. Aaron took Harmon back and I delivered the placenta real easy like. Then they let me get back into the waiting happy bathtub and cuddle my beautiful giant baby. Oh yeah, he came out at 7:44am, which was totally shocking to me, as I thought it was still night, but that's a good thing, meaning time warped for shorter.

Aaron made phone calls, my mom and Caelin showed up, they weighed and measured my giant... 10lbs 12oz, 23inches, and a head circumference of 38cm, which Aaron and I calculated the radius to be a bit over 12 cm, explaining a whole lot of the pain and aftermath I am still feeling.

They had me try to go to the bathroom, but instead I got dizzy and got an oxygen mask. Later when I was still unable I got a catheter stuck in me to drain my bladder. Awful, I don't recommend that. At some point I got sewn back together. That took about 45min, and I was told it was the worst the midwife had ever seen. I feel both proud and horrified by that.

After a bunch of laying around, we went home around 2pm, and lived happily ever after. Well sort of. We have probably the best baby ever. He loves sleeping a lot. That's great except for the first little while when we were unable to wake him up and feed him. Now we are much better at waking up and eating, but still doing a great amount of sleeping. We are probably the best looking new parents alive. I'm only kidding, but we do feel extra blessed with such a good kid. I probably have fared the worst, as I am still recovering over two weeks later. I think it could be summed up by the previous descriptions of the giant coming out the birth canal, and me still not being able to sit, even on soft things. Ok, I can sit on soft things, for like 20 min at a time. I spend most my day laying down. Aaron was home the first two weeks, the first week on vacation and the second working from home. We would have been lost without him!!! Today he is back at work and we miss him. But baby puggy has been mostly well behaved and is currently snoozing while I lay around on the bed. The end, for now.

(Evil, just say no)

{March 2011 update: for those of you just reading this from a link, who want to read about my second baby born at home, feel free to click here}

Another list...

2008-10-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well attempting to pass time waiting for the baby has been both easy and hard. Easy on days I let my mom entertain me all day, and hard on days where I sit at home real bored. I found this list of 100 things to do when your baby is overdue, and since you know I love lists, I thought I would go through and see how many I had done already, just for fun.

1. ~~Read another pregnancy book~~
2. Take a bubble bath
3. ~~Get a pedicure~~ thanks mom!
4. ~~Eat something spicy~~
5. ~~Talk to an old friend~~
6. ~~Learn to time contractions~~
7. ~~Pick out a baby book~~
8. ~~Go over your list of baby names one more time~~
9. ~~Write a birth plan~~
10. Change the message on your answering machine to inform callers you're still around
11. Get your hair done
12. ~~Get a massage~~
13. ~~Go for a bumpy ride~~
14. ~~Recalculate your due date~~
15. Hang out with us on the pregnancy forums
16. ~~Watch reruns on television~~
17. ~~Wash all of your baby clothes~~
18. Check out a matinee movie, alone or with a friend
19. ~~Make a rice sock for labor~~
20. ~~Try a new recipe for dinner~~
21. ~~Pack your birth bag for the hospital or birth center~~
22. Look through your pregnancy journal and relive some of the better moments
23. ~~Buy a new nightgown~~
24. Go dancing!
25. ~~Look at some birth announcements~~
26. ~~Put the baby's car seat in the car~~
27. ~~Go window shopping~~
28. ~~Daydream about the baby~~
29. ~~Eat something else spicy~~
30. ~~Buy a nursing bra.~~
31. ~~If you have older kids, read to them~~ N/A
32. ~~Shave your legs.~~
33. ~~Visit someone else with a new baby and practice holding them~~
34. ~~Think of goofy answers to the questions about whether or not you're still pregnant~~ Grandma: you still haven't popped that thing out yet? Kelsey: Yeah I have and I'm still this fat and have misplaced my baby! (ok not that clever, said in the moment)
35. ~~Try a new nail color. Change it again~~
36. ~~Call your mom~~
37. ~~Sit in your baby's room for a while~~
38. ~~Buy a cute baby toy~~
39. ~~Get lots of fiber~~
40. ~~Put together any unmade furniture~~
41. ~~Buy stamps for birth announcements~~
42. Work out - go to yoga, aerobics, whatever you like to do
43. ~~Practice a new position for labor~~
44. ~~Walk around the mall~~
45. ~~Check to be sure your insurance information is packed in your birth bag~~
46. ~~Do you have batteries for your camera?~~
47. ~~Listen to a favorite album~~
48. ~~Buy a pack of diapers~~
49. ~~Buy a new toothbrush for the birth~~
50. Make a birthday cake
51. ~~Call your best friend~~
52. ~~Play with your pets~~ I changed the fish water, that counts.
53. ~~Do nothing for a change~~
54. Give your husband a back massage. Show him how you like to have your back rubbed.
55. Buy any birthday cards or presents you'll need for the first 6 weeks after your baby is born.
56. Have a smoothie.
57. ~~Recheck your birth bag for the hospital or birth center~~
58. ~~Go to a La Leche League meeting or breastfeeding class~~
59. Take your husband dancing.
60. ~~Pack some snacks for the hospital or birth center~~
61. Make a belly cast of your belly
62. Buy some sexy underwear, or at least not granny panties, for after the birth (a couple of weeks).
63. If you have older kids, make I'm a big sister/brother t-shirts for them --maybe I should do this for my siblings.
64. Bake a batch of cookies for the doctors and nurses at the hospital or birth center -- why, I will eat them all before the baby comes out!!!
65. ~~Go to your last prenatal appointments~~
66. ~~Order your favorite pizza for dinner~~
67. ~~Think about anything but the new baby or labor~~
68. ~~Tell your husband how much you love and appreciate him~~
69. ~~Make sure you have a long distance phone card for the birth~~ N/A
70. Have someone inspect your car seat for safety. Try AAA or local car dealer.
71. ~~Get a new scented lotion for labor~~
72. ~~Pack a diaper bag~~
73. ~~Page your honey to make sure he's paying attention.~~
74. ~~Bake a casserole to eat after your baby is born~~
75. ~~Put your birth bag in the car~~
76. ~~Make sure you have some postpartum help lined up~~
77. ~~Start a scrapbook for your baby if you haven't already~~
78. Call your pediatrician to see if they have a recommended list of first aid items.
79. Look through your old baby books and pictures.
80. ~~Have a lunch date with a friend~~
81. ~~Read positive birth stories~~
82. ~~Chat with your doula about any last minute worries~~ midwife anyway
83. ~~Feel your baby's movements. Remember how you waited to feel the first fetal movements?~~
84. Make a romantic dinner for your honey
85. Make a list of everything you will miss about being pregnant
86. Learn to knit baby booties
87. ~~Ask your mom about your birth~~
88. Clean out the refrigerator
89. ~~Rent a video~~
90. Take a practice drive to the hospital -- maybe I should do this, as the baby went crazy and seemed to want to come out last time I went to the birthing center.
91. Listen to a book on tape
92. ~~Read a novel you've been dying to read~~
93. Go to work - why not? -- if only... :)
94. ~~Think about your postpartum birth control choices~~
95. ~~Read a new breastfeeding book~~
96. ~~Practice a new relaxation technique~~
97. ~~Refold all the baby clothes~~
98. ~~Write a letter to your baby telling him or her how much you can't wait to meet them!~~
99. Make a list of everything you won't miss about being pregnant
100. Give birth! -- RUDE!!!

That means I've done over 75% of this list. Hahaha. And things like dancing I am not doing, pregnant or not, so. Other suggestions besides sleep and rest ? I can't believe you read this whole thing, or even skimmed it.

To-Do List

2008-08-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

So since I have just over 6 weeks until my baby is supposed to magically pop out of me, I have realized there are a lot of things to do. Maybe if I write them here I will magically get all of them done. Or not, but at least I will know what needs done. And when I say "needs done" I mean "in an ideal world here is what I would get done".

1. Finish Baby's Quilt
2. Finish Baby's Halloween Costume
3. Make Caelin's Pillow
4. ~~Wash all clothes & diapers~~
5. ~~Pack birthing center bag~~
6. ~~Buy carseat~~
7. Declutter house
8. Finish Baby Book (as much as possible)
9. Print and Frame/Photo Album wedding photos
10. ~~Assemble co-sleeper~~
11. ~~Find suitable home for Baby's clothes~~
12. ~~Go to the dentist~~
13. Read camera manual and make my settings better
14. Write in my journal
15. ~~Back up all photos on CDs~~
16. ~~Get new music for squeezing a baby out~~
17. ~~Clean & Box wedding dress. For real.~~
18. ~~Review infant CPR~~
19. ~~Finish reading 17 million books~~
20. ~~Make some meals for the freezer~~
21. ~~Make awesome halloween onesies~~
22. ~~Make Nursing Pads~~
23. ~~Create birth annoucements~~
24. Make more bibs
25. ~~Buy co-sleeper sheets~~
26. ~~Finish silly nightlight project~~
27. ~~Transport rocking chair from mom's to here~~
28. ~~Get changing table pad thing.~~
29. ~~Get a pack of disposables to have on hand~~
30. ~~Make more burp cloths~~
31. ~~Type up "birth plan"~~
32. ~~Buy Diaper bag~~
33.-45. TBA

I figure if I do about one thing a day I can totally get it all done. Hahahahahha. I hope we all had a good laugh. But boy I sure do love lists. I'm going to go do some of these right now.

Progress

2008-08-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

I realized I have been reading A LOT. Here are my in depth book reviews:

1. A Mighty Heart by Mariane Pearl: Loved it. Excellently written. Story of her husband Danny Pearl who was the reporter kidnapped in Pakistan. A Must read.

2. Birthing From Within by Pam England: Useful, something my mom would call a "woo-woo" book. Not everyone's style, but had some good points.

3. Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine: Some funny parts, some useful parts, but sometimes missed the mark.

4. The Joy of Pregnancy by Tori Kropp: I liked it better than most pregnancy books. Seemed to do a good job of presenting "all sides" without being overly biased toward any one opinion.

5. Gentle Birth Choices by Barbara Harper: Good ideas without being overly preachy.

6. What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff: Exactly what you expect.

7. ABCs of Breastfeeding by Stacey Rubin: Silly formula for writing, but good material.

8. Your Pregnancy Week by Week by Glade Curtis: I could probably read a million books that tell me about each week, because I am weird like that. This one was good. Nothing special.

9. Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy: I confess I had seen this in several places and had wanted to read it, and when I saw it on the library shelf I felt justified in it. I laughed several times, but she is kinda an extremist. I suppose that's what makes it funny.

I've got some other books in the works too, reaching my 12 for the list will be no problem. Also I started a stinking hard puzzle that I wonder if I will ever finish.

Some Progress

2008-07-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

So it seems I have done some things on my list, and started some others. I have managed to make my child 2-3 blankets, and 2 more in the works, so I consider it done. Had a 1st anniversary party which was quite excellent. It was kind of just like our reception, except Aaron got to do the BBQing. I made a maternity skirt, but it didn't fit right, so I took the waist band off and have to finish it. I did donate my hair to Locks of Love in the end of June, cutting off 12 plus inches and still managing to keep a lot of hair. Yesterday we started a birthing class based on "Birthing From Within" (a book) so that will count as well as when I finish the book. I bought several big puzzles (1000 and 1500 pieces) and intend to start them someday. I'm feeling pretty great about doing some things on the list. Except that some of them I am so far behind (journal writing, etc) that I will never complete. But that's ok. That's life.

Baby Teeth

2008-05-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention I am currently growing a baby, so having a baby is in progress. I mean technically I have one inside right now. At least that's what they tell me.

Also I flossed every day for an entire month. I almost forgot one day at the end but luckily didn't. I found it both theraputic and nasty to see what's between your teeth EVERY day. Nasty.

Good Job

2008-04-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

I used my iTunes giftcards today. I should be embarassed that I had to put it on my list, but it happens. Also I remembered I made a new recipe, some chocolate chip cookie bars. They were pretty good, but I like cookies much better. Good work for making progress on my tough goals self.

I remembered

2008-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

I remembered I had a blog and a big list of things to do, and then I realized I did some things on the list!

I finished the work I was going to do on Lorena's quilt, today started reading the Old Testament, this week I got my ham radio license, and sent another piece of real mail for last month. I also realized that I am behind in my journal writing (shocker) and am trying to decide if I write more than once a week if that counts as a catch up.

That's my update. For myself. Or for you if you are reading and keeping track.

What About...

2008-01-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

Aaron said: "but what if you want to make new goals in a year or so?" This list is not intended to stop me from doing other goals. It is just a list of some of the things I have been putting off, or things that I want to try but need an excuse to do so.

101 Things in 1001 Days

2008-01-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

Original link with rules/idea.

I think I will just keep this as the original list, and update on the sidebar.

Start date: January 26th, 2008
Ending date: October 23rd, 2010

The list:
1. Write my Ecuador book
2. Finish Lorena’s quilt
3. Turn my old shirts into tote bags
4. Read 12 books (0/12)
5. Come back to Ecuador again
6. Get scuba certified
7. Make 5 iTunes play lists (0/5)
8. Learn how to play Acoustic #3 on the guitar
9. Begin sailing around the world with Aaron
10. Re-learn how to crochet, make a scarf
11. Make a quilt for my own bed
12. Have ample food storage supply
13. Go to bed by 10 for a week straight
14. Photograph another wedding
15. Read camera manual all the way through
16. Buy a new lens
17. Hike to Leigh Lake
18. Have a baby
19. Make a skirt
20. Read the entire old testament
21. Do pilates or yoga 2x week for two months
22. Write in my journal once a week (0/143)
23. Take Aaron to Disneyland
24. Get my foundation set up
25. Go surfing 5 times (0/5)
26. Learn to juggle
27. Read 2 books in Spanish (0/2)
28. Visit 5 temples I have never been to (0/5)
29. Donate hair to locks of love
30. Have a real life dinner party
31. Read 2 more books on teenage self-esteem (0/2)
32. Carve a pumpkin with my husband’s face on it
33. Create storage system for all digital pictures
34. Print wedding photos & put in album
35. Print honeymoon photos & put in album
36. Don’t complain at all for 1 week
37. Take some sort of class
38. Visit a country I’ve never been to before
39. Successfully take care of a plant for a year
40. Buy a bike at a garage sale
41. Not eat at a restaurant for 2 weeks straight
42. Build a bridge out of popsicle sticks or toothpicks. Put weights on it to see how much it can hold without breaking.
43. Write a thank you letter once a week for 6 months.
44. Find at least one genealogy name and do the work
45. Plan a fundraiser
46. Can something other than jam
47. Follow Fly Lady’s schedule for one month
48. Cook 10 new recipes (0/10)
49. Do a triathlon
50. Throw a huge party
51. Go snowboarding twice (0/2)
52. Cook four dishes in the pressure cooker (0/4)
53. Floss every day for a month, 3 times (0/3)
54. Frame 10 photos (0/10)
55. Learn a new song on the piano
56. Learn how to make the ultimately delicious macaroons my dad makes
57. Learn to like one type of fish (is this possible?)
58. Read a book on astronomy
59. Figure out the recipe for El Jordan’s tabbouli
60. Purchase the perfect croquet set
61. Build something out of wood
62. Carve something out of wood
63. Golf an entire 18 holes
64. Beat my mom at ping-pong
65. Find a Google whack
66. Get brows threaded (I hope Liza will take me)
67. Go snowshoeing
68. Road trip to somewhere I haven’t been before
69. Send a real piece of mail every month (0/34)
70. Make baby blankets for new arrivals
71. Submit book to publishers
72. Go to 10 year reunion
73. Give away or sell 101 things
74. Learn Photoshop
75. Join some sort of photography challenge group
76. Skydive
77. Swim across Lake Washington
78. Make Aaron a suit. He says he will wear it if I make it.
79. Make Eden an article of clothing she will wear
80. Make myself pumpkin and coconut ice cream. Separately.
81. Get Ham radio license
82. Acquire unbreakable habit of brushing teeth at night
83. Go to the symphony with Aaron
84. Make and keep updated address book
85. Create sweatpants overalls
86. Eat only healthy foods for 1 week
87. Sell something I made
88. Learn to tie 5 knots (0/5)
89. Launch an Ecuadorian globo
90. Explore stock photography options
91. Use my iTunes gift cards. Seriously, shouldn’t need to be on the list.
92. Buy and complete a big big puzzle
93. Win a contest
94. Make a cake in the microwave
95. Go waterskiing
96. Have a bingo party
97. Put Rosero’s videos on DVD for them
98. Learn 10 children’s songs in Spanish
99. Get wedding dress cleaned and boxed
100. Create will and force husband to do the same
101. Manage to see a sunrise without feeling like death

A story behind everything

2007-12-02T13:24:00.001-08:00

I feel like this should go on my blog because I hope that no one reads it and it's kind of depressing.

Yesterday we went and saw Sor Teresa because it was Saturday, and we took her flowers because I figured she was sad that Gonzalo left. And she was. They have been best buds for pretty much his entire life. I remember when we saw her last year in Santa Isabel that she told me that when she was in Cuenca she would go visit him and take him for walks around the block and tell him "whenever you feel sad or alone, just walk this same path and remember me."

All this week I've been thinking about how great that these kids are getting adopted, and it is great. But what is not great is that he has a family. He has a mom, who lives here in town, with other siblings, most older, but one who is only 8 months old. Why is he getting adopted? Because she is an alcoholic. She works at a market in town, but most of the time she is too drunk to do much of anything. He's been back to see her, but she doesn't want him.

Sor Teresa told me she would practice writing his mother's name on the board, and he would erase it. She would ask him to name the flower that she shares a name with and all he would say is "it's a flower". He's 7, he's not stupid. He knows that he has a family, and that it's a family that cannot and does not want to care for him.

I used to think that the worst thing was being an orphan. Not having a family, not knowing where you came from, or who you belong to. I've changed my mind. The worst thing is having a family that doesn't want you, that can't take care of you, and you knowing them and knowing that they are taking care of your siblings.

I am so happy for Gonzalo and his 2 year old sister. Their new family is so nice, so loving, and they seem happy. Gonzalo won't let go of his dad's hand. I know it's the best option for them, but I can't help but worry about him, how angry he is, how confusing and strange it is for a 7 year old to go through something like this.

And then I think about all the other kids who are in similar situations. Or worse. And then I get depressed. So I'll stop this blog now, I just wanted to write before I forgot that not everything is so cut and dry.

A Deal With God

2007-11-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

Today I was complaining to God, telling Him that if I was in charge of problem X, I would do everything in my power to fix it, which is something I tell Him and myself a lot. Today He said to me: prove it.

"If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?"

-Tracy Chapman "Change"