Whining Prevention

Some of my kids seem to have gotten whinier and whinier lately.  And to say it is driving me bonkers would be an understatement.  So, for the next week I am going to employ the following strategies to see if I can't bring the level back to tolerable.

1. Respond Immediately.  Even if it means I tell them they have to wait a minute, at least kindly acknowledge they are requesting something (to speak/water/to play, etc.) when they are talking politely.

2. Think first, then answer.  I have a bad habit of saying 'no' really often.  And sometimes it doesn't really matter.  But the worst is when I say 'no' twenty times and then decide it's not that big of a deal and let them.  Probably nothing promotes whining worse than letting it work.  So choose my 'no's wisely, not just as a first response.

3. Use a form of this phrase: "You are whining.  I can't understand you.  I would be happy to listen to you when you can use a nice voice like mine."  And then don't listen until a non-whiny voice is used.  Obviously since the offenders are 3 & 4, I will probably have to repeat this phrase several times at first.

4. Increase praise.  Especially for the use of nice voices in everyday life.  But all around too.

I am hopefully this will work, if I am good about it...

November Meal Planning

At this point I am mostly doing this so I can come back and find recipes I like and remember things that we ate that I forgot about.

M 29: Pot Roast w/Hasselback Potatoes
T 30: Halloween Party Foods: Witch finger pretzels, 7 layer dip, Pumpkin roll,
W 31: Pasta if we aren't full from Aaron's Work Party
Th 1: Lasagna
F 2: Ward Party, bring salad
S 3: BBQ Ribs
S 4: Chicken Tortilla Soup

M 5: Pasta
T 6: Stir fry & rice
W 7: Homemade Macaroni & Cheese
Th 8: Omelets
F 9: Balsamic Bruchetta Chicken
S 10:
S 11:
This week kind of fell apart.  There were some scheduled events we skipped and I am hugely pregnant.

M 12: Pasta & Omelets w/gorgonzola and ham
T 13: Chicken Tortilla Soup (Extended Family Gathering)
W 14: Greek Food Day
Th 15: Salad w/Homemade Balsamic & PF Breadsticks
F 16: Easy Pad Thai This was good but the noodles were tricky.  I think I should have soaked them longer and maybe cooked them longer than it said in the recipe with more liquids (water).  Also Aaron requested chicken in it next time.
S 17: Beef Quinoa Soup from freezer, bread
S 18: ?

M 19: Lasagna from freezer
T 20: Chicken Enchiladas (sauce in freezer)
W 21: ?
Th 22: Thanksgiving!!!
F 23: Leftovers

Then I had a baby.  And I didn't plan anymore.

Allison's Birth Story

WARNING:  BIRTH STORY AHEAD!!!  PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!

11/13/12: Tuesday night.  Around midnight I have one contraction.  When I report this to Aaron and my mom the next day they are excited.  I am not, because my babies do not come out early.

11/14/12: Wednesday night my mom and I decide she should leave early (supposed to stay until Saturday) because this baby will probably never come out and she has another trip back planned for after Thanksgiving.  Later it turns out we are both right when there is no baby by Saturday.

11/16/12: Friday evening.  For the first time I lie in bed while Aaron bathes and gets the kids ready for bed.  I don't tuck them in because I am hurting.  Mostly round ligament pain, but sore belly too.

11/17/12: Saturday, due date!!  I help put the kids to bed but then am having the worst round ligament pain ever.  It is like all the other times combined.  I can hardly move.  Additionally the downward pressure of the giant baby girl in my belly hurts pretty bad too.  I have a pretty much horrible night and make Aaron help me get up to go to the bathroom most times.

11/18/12: I invoke the right of 4th trimester church inactivity.  Aaron takes the kids to church while I lie in bed and whine to myself about how horrible I feel.

11/22/12: Since there is no baby coming out of me I cook a turkey and we have a great Thanksgiving.  Around midnight the contractions start.  Apparently I ate enough to push baby girl out.

11/23/12: By morning contractions have settled into a 15-20 minute apart pattern which lets up only a few times during the day with a 45 or hour long break.  By afternoon I am frustrated because things don't seem to be getting closer together, but on the plus side my mom has managed to catch her scheduled flight and arrives at my house just past 2pm.  After the kids go to bed around 8:30 or so, my contractions start to get stronger and a bit closer together, but I am still thinking I have a terribly long road ahead of me.  At 10:30 my midwife texts me to tell me she is going to bed, so call her whenever I am ready.  I think this will probably be never, but by 11pm my contractions are 5-10 minutes apart and hurting pretty badly.  I have made Aaron set up the tub and by 11:30 he calls Rebecca the midwife to come on over.  I get in the tub and ask whose terrible idea it was to have another baby and Aaron says it was mine and I complain about how stupid I am.  It hurts.  I labor in the tub for an hour and Rebecca arrives.  It hurts horribly and I make Aaron push on my back for each contraction.  I do good breathing or whatever and mostly keep it in control, my past midwife's voice (Sammy's midwife) is in my head saying "keep it together Kelsey, you can do this" and that helps a lot.  When Rebecca arrives she helps the situation by pouring water on my back during each contraction.  This is surprisingly effective as my brain has to think about what is going on on my back and think less about the death pain going on elsewhere.  At some point I throw up 3 or so times.  Rebecca doesn't check to see how far I am, because I am very afraid that she will tell me 8 or anything lower and I don't want to hear it.  After a bit she tells me that soon I will have to get out of the tub if a baby doesn't come out of me and I am not happy to hear this.  The reasoning is that after a few hours it can slow you down, so I get out of the tub to go to the bathroom to see if that won't help speed things up.  I hate getting out.  Worst ever.  I have one contraction out of the tub and wonder why why why am I so stupid.  I get back in the tub and can feel the baby coming down.  I start to do some preliminary pushing.  It is awful.  I think about how I don't want the baby to come out anymore.  Too much pain.  How do ladies have babies on tables with no drugs?  I can't fathom it.  I start pushing and screaming, and am reminded by Rebecca to scream in low tones.  I somehow manage to do that.  After what Aaron claims is only 4 contractions worth of pushing (I think it was a few more but I wasn't yelling on the first two, but then again, not like I was super coherent) I announce that here comes the baby.  And then she does.  In her amniotic sac!

In the past my water has been broken (by the midwife) while I was in labor, a little earlier with Harmon, and Sammy while she was crowning.  Now Allison can have the distinct pleasure of knowing that she is lucky, has a 6th sense, and all sorts of other interesting folklore as explained on wikipedia.  Apparently it is pretty rare, so cool I guess!

She was born at 1:25am on the 24th.

Anyway.  As she came out in her sac my midwife popped it because it is much easier to grab a slippery baby with arms than a slippery ball with a baby inside, and someone grabbed her.  I think maybe Aaron, but I was grabbing around too, and had to flip over (I was on my knees) because I could tell her cord was kind of short.  I got to hold her and was just so happy!!!  There is really no way to explain how happy you are to hold your new baby, and how happy you are to be not pushing that baby out anymore.  We sat in the tub for a few minutes and then I handed her off to Aaron so I could deliver the placenta.  I did that in the shower and then went to my very own bed.

11/24/12, The aftermath: I held Allison for a little while more and nursed her, but I was not feeling right and I knew it.  I asked someone else to take her so I could just rest.  I hadn't really felt this terrible after either other birth and although I felt bad having to give her away so soon, but I just wasn't right.  I felt like I was going to pass out, or throw up, or who knows what.  This happened several times, with me asking for the bowl, being really dizzy, and thinking I was going to pass out.  Later Rebecca took me to the bathroom and it felt awful standing/walking/being up and I was sure I was going to faint.  By 5am Rebecca had checked all my vitals and I was stable, even though not feeling well, and she left.  By 6am(ish?) I had asked Aaron or my mom to help me walk to the bathroom.  I remember sitting up and feeling dizzy/like I was going to throw up or pass out or both.  I laid back down and then tried to sit up again.  It was decided (by me) that we should go quickly to the bathroom.  I don't remember entering the bathroom until I sat down on the toilet.  Then I remember waking up (still sitting on the toilet) to my mom and Aaron, and my mom saying "call Rebecca, then we need to call 911".  That is always great...  Apparently I had passed out twice, once for 30 seconds, and had woken up flailing, my skin has been reported as green by my mom and yellow by Aaron, but by all accounts I was not doing well.  They carried me back to bed at which point someone was on the phone with Rebecca and I was trying to convince everyone that I was now lucid and did not need to go in any ambulances!  I think that everyone decided I could stay home and "wait and see".  Meanwhile Rebecca got back in her car (she lives almost an hour away) and came back.  She was concerned that it may be too much blood loss and felt better about coming back than not, as she has never had a mother who was worse getting up the second time out of bed than the first.  She checked me out and decided to give me an iv fluid drip with a dose of pitocin to "clamp down" my uterus to make sure there was not too much bleeding/remnants of placenta.  This was highly awful, as now I was having cramping/contractions and no baby was coming at the end of them.  It was a slow drip and I was happy when the ibprofun kicked in because it felt like an eternity. Rebecca also took some of my blood to take to the lab to check my blood levels, which along with how I was doing after the fluids and pitocin would be an indication of if I was going to be taken to the hospital to receive blood...  It was pretty scary, and I was grateful for the many people who were praying for me at that time.

After the fluids and pitocin I started to feel better.  Rebecca took me to the bathroom and although I felt dizzy I didn't feel throw up/pass out style like I did before.  This was a good sign and after checking all my vitals she left to take my blood to the lab.  Later she called to tell me the good news, my levels were good, meaning I didn't have extreme blood loss and was ok.  This was a relief to everyone, and meant that I just needed to rest and eat and drink lots and lots.  I was happy that through all this Allison was a champion, very  well behaved and nursed well.  I felt bad that I wasn't able to snuggle her and love on her as much as possible, but I was glad to be getting better.  When Rebecca came back to check me and Allison again for our two-day check, she explained that likely the cause of my fainting and extreme dizziness was hormones.  She explained my blood results were actually really good (originally she just told me the number and that I was fine and that was good enough for me).  As soon as my placenta was delivered my body experienced an extreme drop in hormones, and made my body go super crazy.  I asked Rebecca what she thought could be done (if she had known, for future hypothetical pregnancies, etc.) and she said treating with progesterone.

So now we are just hanging out.  Allison is lovely and sleeps a lot, but likes to be awake in the night like all babies.  I am feeling a lot better and trying to take it easy so I can recover quickly.  I feel quite blessed that I wasn't bleeding too much/dying and that everything was ok!  I had really felt quite good and safe about having the baby at home, although there are always risks, but I still feel blessed about how everything turned out.

Miss Allison Kate Evans, born at home in the sac, 7 days late, 7lbs 11oz, 19 3/4", smaller than all her older siblings!!  We adore her!

Meal Planning October

M 24: Brown Butter & Myzithra
T 25: Restaurant (Late Midwife appointment in Salt Lake)
W 26: Homemade pizzas, Pizza Factory Breadsticks
Th 27: Twice Baked Potato Casserole This should be called heart attack casserole.  It was good, but not amazing.  Won't repeat.
F 28: BYU Game
S 29: Lefsa, Salad
S 30: Beef, Potato, & Quinoa Soup, Bread

M 1: Homemade Chicken Nuggets, French Fries, Quinoa Blackbean Salad (recipe from Chica) Nuggets not worth the effort.  They were good, but too much work.  QB Salad, delicious.
T 2: Balsamic Bruchetta Chicken, leftover QB Salad.  So so so good.
W 3: Freezer Lasagna.  Made this last month but added shredded zucchini and froze.  Tasty.
Th 4: Chicken Parmesan (from cookbook)  Super super tasty as always.
F 5: Macaroni & Cheese (mom's recipe)  I cut out the onions this time and it was a great success among the adults.  The kids wouldn't touch it, because they are insane.
S 6: Restaurant w/family
S 7: Greek Food (see last month), Pumpkin Spice Bars (Natalie)  So good.

M 8: Chicken Sausage Skillet.  Easy and tasty.
T 9: Tacos.
W 10: Olive Garden Chicken Gnocchi Soup I've never eaten this at OG, but it is tasty at home.
Th 11: Chicken Enchiladas
F 12: Chicken Tortilla Soup (per Caelin's request!)
S 13: Dinner at uncle's, Jama's Arugula Salad
S 14: Chili & Cornbread (same recipe as last month)
(This whole week was delicious.  Nothing new was made, but it all tasted real good.)

M 15: Hamburgers & Tater Tots
T 16: Costco Ravioli w/sauce of choice (pesto, butter, olive oil, cheese)
W 17: Cashew Chicken & Rice.  Pretty good.  I made a huge oil mess but I would make this again.
Th 18: Pasta w/Brown Butter & Myzithra, costco garlic bread.
F 19: Baked Buffalo Chicken Wings, Potato Skins  The potato skins were super tasty, the chicken wings were good.  Next time make the wings a little crispier in the oven and it would be better.
S 20: Jazz Game
S 21: Family dinner at cousin Nicole's, Aaron makes salsa (super yum)!

M 22: Salsa chicken, chips.  I took leftover salsa that Aaron made the day befoe and put it on top of chicken and baked it in the oven at 375 for 40ish minutes.  It was super delicious.
T 23: Chili (from last batch in freezer)
W 24: Harmon's Birthday: "Long noodles with white little cheese" (BB & Myzithra)
Th 25: Salad w/ Balsamic Dressing, Pizza Factory Breadsticks.  Yum
F 26: Alexis' Birthday Party
S 27: Pizza leftovers from Harmon's Lunch Party
S 28: Garlic lemon chicken, brown rice, salad

Pregnancy Whining

(Don't read this if you like being pregnant.  Or if you want to be pregnant or are having a hard time getting pregnant.  I know that lots of people get angry/sad at posts like this which is totally legitimate.  But sometimes a giant lady just has to vent.)

The third trimester of this pregnancy is easier than the other two.  It still is awful.  I remember thinking during the first trimester that I would much rather be 8 months pregnant than as sick as I was, and although I stand by that, it is hard to be a giant whale.

Things I hate:
-Climbing stairs.
-Bending (or lack thereof).
-Attempting to sleep.
-Being really hungry but having a tiny squashed stomach.
-Not being able to breathe due to squashed lungs.
-Braxton Hicks 22.5/7
-At 35 1/2 weeks being only 5 lbs away from the weight at which I delivered my giant 10lb 12oz boy two weeks late.
-Tiniest bladder ever.
-Driving.
-Lifting anything.
-Moving my body in any way.

I better stop because this list could go on forever.  It doesn't help that tomorrow I will be one month away from my due date.  Still one entire month.  And that I usually deliver a week or two late.  People, that's a month and a half and I can hardly manage the situation going on now.  And don't get me started on how cranky I am.  Life is so rough that I can't even think up a good Halloween costume.  That is pretty rough.

Ok, end of whining.  For now.

Meal Planning. What?!

So I always intend to at least make an outline of good ideas for dinner so I don't keep feeding my family pasta every single night (the David Fox diet) but I never do.  We end up eating a lot of pasta.  With a few different sauces.  But it gets kind of boring.  Finally I decided to make some new and delicious foods.  Here is what happened (mostly for my own records):

M 27: Salad with Creamy Balsamic Dressing, Garlic Cheese Flatbread Amazing dressing, I have made this bread lots, super tasty.
T 28: Loaded Baked Potato Soup, French Bread Soup pretty good, not amazing.  Bread tasty.
W 29: Restaurant (Brigham City Temple Open House)
Th 30: Tacos
F 31: Cheesy Chicken Casserole I have made this several time, not great.  Not making again.
S 1: Pasta w/Pesto (Costco Pesto Sauce), Spicy Oil Dip, Sourdough The dip was not great, not a repeat.  The sourdough was not sour (can't get my starter to sour here) but was really tasty anyway.
S 2: Chili & Cornbread Loved both of these. (I used 2 big cans of crushed tomatoes instead of tomato juice, added zucchini and olives, used a few more of the veggies listed)

M 3: Leftover Chili
T 4: Pasta w/Homemade red sauce (saute some tiny pieces of garlic in olive oil, add big can of crushed tomatoes, oregano, basil, tiny bit of sugar, salt & pepper, simmer for 10-20 min), leftover Sourdough.  I make this a lot.
W 5: Beef stir fry.  Tasty.  Brown Rice.  Good.  Great way to make brown rice.
Th 6: Chicken Enchiladas.  Big can of green enchilada sauce + can of green chilies + some sour cream poured over tortillas filled with chicken & cheese.  Super tasty.
F 7: BBQ Ribs & Corn (Aaron) FAVORITE! The only thing better than Aaron's ribs is nothing.
S 8: Greek food: Tzatziki (greek yogurt, shredded cucumber, lemon juice, salt, needed dill!), Greek Salad (tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, feta, black olives, olive oil, salt), Toum (the best most garlicky ever!), Garlic Cheese Flatbread.  I love Greek Food Day.  I probably smelled like garlic for a week after.
S 9: Hamburgers & Chips

M 10: Baked Potato Soup (from first batch put in freezer), Rolls (basic recipe)
T 11: Garlic Lime Chicken (cut slits into chicken, insert big pieces of garlic, cover in lime juice, salt & pepper) & Brown Rice, Garlic Bread (Costco)  We eat a version of this fairly often.  Sometimes with lemon.
W 12: Pasta w/Brown Butter and Myzithra Cheese (like Spaghetti Factory) So good.  We eat this a lot.
Th 13: Pork Roast (marinated in stuff from the cupboard: worcestershire, steak seasoning, balsamic vinaigrette) & Crash Hot Potatoes, Roast was pretty tasty, I needed to boil the potatoes for longer but they were super good, especially the crispy skins.
F 14: BBQ Ribs.  I invited friends and therefore made Aaron make them again.  So tasty.  I love them.
S 15: Grilled Chicken (marinated in lemon, garlic powder, s&p), Jama's Baby Arugula Salad (baby arugula, orange pepper, halved tiny tomatoes, avocado, balsamic vinaigrette)  Really tasty.
S 16: Leftovers: Salad, grilled chicken

M 17: Lasagna (recipe from my mom), Garlic Bread from Costco.  Delicious.
T 18: Grilled Brushetta Chicken, Baked Potatoes.  I cheated and baked this, because a charcoal BBQ is too much work some days.  Also I marinated it in only Balsamic Vinaigrette for a few hours, not their dressing.  Definite repeat.  Tasty.  Aaron proclaimed it fancy too.
W 19: Leftover GBC & Lasagna
Th 20: Salad with Balsamic Dressing, Pizza Factory Breadsticks These are unbelievable.
F 21: Restaurant.  Cafe Rio.  Delicious times one million.
S 22: Leftovers. So exciting!
S 23: Salad w/balsamic dressing, mashed potatoes.  This was supposed to be Alfredo sauce night, but I wanted mashed potatoes (that Aaron made and were delicious) and we had salad stuffs.

The Facebook Problem & Solution

So, I may spend too much time on Facebook. I also obsessively check my email. These seem pretty ridiculous for a lot of reasons, the main two being: what important email am I waiting for, and am I really gaining anything from excessive FB use, or just wasting time? The answer of course is that I am just wasting time. Because I have two small children I often have a minute or 4 here or there, but not often long chunks of time where I can do something like sew two pieces of fabric together, read a chapter in a book, etc. However it takes about 10 seconds to get on the computer and see if I have any interesting emails, and if I am good, only a couple of minutes to see if there is anything amazing, new, or hilarious on Facebook. I tell myself it is not really so bad, and just an outlet to the boredom I sometimes feel, but I think in actuality it makes me feel worse. Not like by reading posts on FB I feel depressed because other people are out doing cool things (chances are if you are posting about all the cool things you are doing on FB instead of actually just enjoying them, you aren't really having that cool of a life anyway) but more like it is very unsatisfying. I cling to the lame excuse that I use FB to keep in contact with my friends, which is true, but I don't really need to check it many many times a day to keep in touch with my friends. It's not like I email, text, or call my friends 10 times a day, why would I need to see if they've posted in the last 2 hours?

This has led me to wonder what I could do differently to be more "satisfied" with my interneting. I hate when I put my kids to bed and am so tired that I feel like I can't do anything except sit around and play on the internet because that's all I have the energy to do, and two hours later I have nothing to show for it except for 10 more pins on pinterest of things I will someday (maybe) think about making and perhaps a comment on someone's photos on Facebook. That is to say, not a lot.

So, say you spend 1 hour a day on Facebook. I have no idea how much time I really spend on it, because really I don't want to know. I figure if I check it even if just for a minute 10 times a day that is too many. So we'll use an hour, because that is where I am going with my idea. Anyway, if I am spending an hour on FB to "socialize" and "keep in touch" with my friends, couldn't I do that in a better way? For example, if I used even a half hour a day to write a friend an email, write a real piece of mail, or call someone on the phone? All of those things sound like they take almost as little energy as clicking around on the internet, and I would venture produce better results both for me feeling fulfilled and keeping good friendships. Bottom line is starting today I am going to check my FB once a day, and spend 30 minutes that I would have been wasting there doing "friendship building/life fulfilling" type activities. For a week. Maybe in a week I will find that I didn't really like doing that and will go back to wasting my life on Facebook, but maybe I will find I am happier instead.

Comfortable in your own skin

I have probably never really felt comfortable being "me". I don't mean that I act differently/pretend to be someone else on purpose, I mean it more in the self-conscious kind of way. I would think it's not unusual for people (especially ladies it seems) to feel self-consious, but I always seem to feel like 100 times more than the average person. (I am so self-centered, but whatever, this is my blog!) I know there are plenty of people who are pretty confident in who they are and seem to have an effortless time of not acting self-consious, and I am constantly impressed by that.

The other day I mentioned to Aaron how where people sit in a room often says a lot about them, and joked that since I prefered the corner in the back what does that say about me? But then I thought about it and thought that although now it is more of a habit than anything, it started because I don't like the idea of people watching me without me knowing. Ridiculous, as if people might be looking at the back of my head and judging me! (What, am I 14?)

That thinking prompted more thinking about why I could possibly care what people think, at age 28.66. First, I am married. The likelihood of Aaron leaving me because my hair is ridiculous or because I am pretty jerky a lot of the time is unlikely becuase A. he alerady knew that about me and B. he is really forgiving. So although I like him to be happy and think I am a nice person, I am not particularily prone to feeling self-conscious or worried about him. Second, I have children. They do not seem to care about anything except whether I will play and cuddle with them. Also they forgive me when I am not nice or ignore their pleas for more cookies, so that tends to make me less self-conscious. Third, I have the most amazing friends, and am pretty sure that they will like me despite my flaws, and if they don't, I am cocky enough to believe it's their loss. So that leaves strangers, and really, why on earth would I care about what strangers think? (Unless of course I was behaving poorly and deserved reprimand.)

Finally, I decided that I am done being self-consious. It's not really like it came overnight, but the decision to stop acting in the same patterns did. I think a huge part of the dissolving of my self-critical thinking came when I had Harmon. I was so amazed at what I did, what I grew, the thinking followed if I can do that, I can do anything. With Sammy I seemed to lose most of my insecurities about my body. Even when I was at my thinnest I never felt (like everyone else in the world) that I was skinny. I look back at pictures now and want to go back in time and smack myself. And when I think about it like that it helps me to appreciate my body at every stage, not just at my "ideal". My body works, I have no injuries, no disabilities, I was able to grow children, make them come out of me, and feed them. So even though I am not always happy with the shape of my body, I am more happy now than I have ever been with what my body can do. So in light of these and several other self-confidence building experiences, I have decided it is high time to start feeling comfortable in my own skin.

A post about feeeeeelings.

This post is probably a bit overly dramatic and more open than I usually care to be, but I figure since only like 3 people read this blog you will know well enough to know that it is just ramblings. -------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I don't really notice when I enter a down period. It will slowly creep up on me and then suddenly I will go "Oh! I feel unhappy! When did that happen?" It is more or less pretty easy to reverse this situation, as it is likely I have let a lot of little easy things slip. Other times I will quickly notice what I can only describe as what feels like falling helplessly into nothing, and that is a lot scarier. Lately I have been feeling the latter. I want to pretend like "nothing I do seems to help" but honestly I am not doing much except for letting myself feel bad and not trying to do anything about it. Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, enumerating (to myself) how little sleep I have been getting, how mean I have been to my children, how bored I am, how little free time I have, how bad I am at personal scripture study, how much I feel like I am lacking direction, etc. etc. In my hour (or two...) of moping around I was struck with a thought of another time I felt similarly and a song that really touched me at that time. I pulled out my trusty ancient ipod and was glad to find what I was looking for. One of the years I was a counselor at a camp for teenage girls the director gave us a CD by Kenneth Cope. Last night as I listened to this song I remembered the same thing I felt then: The best way to heal (feel better) is to let God. I think I will make myself listen to it multiple times a day until I get it through my thick skull. Breathe In Me by Kenneth Cope You breathe in me And I'm alive With the power of your holiness You breathe in me And you revive Feelings in my soul That I have laid to rest So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new life in me again I used to be So sensitive To the light that leads to where you are Now I've acquired These calluses With the darkness of A cold and jaded heart So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new light in me again

Conquering the Pillowcase

I always have 10011981818 projects I have started or want to start. Some are hard, and some are easy. A long long time ago I bought pillow inserts with the intention to make cases for them. That should have been extremely easy. But for some reason I never got around to it. Something about a lot of kids or whatever. But victory is mine, as I finally made some with some old fabric I had lying around. Just 10011981817 projects left to go.

Sometimes I wonder.

I commonly am struck with the feeling that I'm not getting my fair share of trials. And what I mean by that is that I am not getting the really awful and difficult ones people around me seem to get. Don't get me wrong, I have problems and trials and such, but when I look around I can't help but notice mine seen weak in comparison.

And then I wonder. Is there something bigger? Like some awful trial that I am "saving up"? I realize it doesn't really work like that, but it still makes me a little bit nervous. I had better just enjoy the easier trials of every day life I suppose.

The New Mega List

So, here we have the new list of 101 things to do in 1,001 days, as popularized and explained here: http://www.dayzeroproject.com/ I like their new website so much I will probably do most of my tracking there: www.dayzeroproject.com/user/foxfish But here it is for my own records (and yours of course):

Start Date: October 26, 2010
End Date: July 23rd, 2013

1. Get baby books up to date
2. Complete a 365 day photo challenge
3. Make Lorena a quilt and take it to her
4. Finish quilt for my bed
5. Finish Harmon and Sammy's quilts
6. Don't eat fast food for a month
7. Write in my journal once a month
8. Find out if there can be muscles on my stomach
9. Go surfing
10. Back up all digital photos
11. Visit a country I've never been to before
12. Write a thank you letter once a month
13. Write Ecuador book
14. Frame and hang photos
15. Learn two new songs on the piano
16. Learn photoshop
17. Swim across Lake Washington
18. Visit 3 Temples I've never been to before
19. Assemble a first aid kit to keep in the car
20. Get Sammy's passport
21. Learn two songs on the guitar
22. Finish Pigeon project for kids' room
23. Go to a waterpark
24. Watch a meteor shower
25. Buy a sailboat
26. Improve cursive skills
27. 10 new recipes I have pulled from magazines
28. Make pillow cases for couch pillows
29. Make 4 photo books: Sammy's first year, 2010, 2011, 2012
30. Get a penpal
31. Continue Project FoxFish
32. Don't complain about anything for a week
33. Take monthly photo of the kids together
34. Monthly date with Aaron
35. No TV for a week
36. Successfully garden
37. Make sourdough bread
38. Take a pottery class
39. Use already purchased swim sessions
40. Super fantastic 30th Birthday party
41. Shoot and develop two rolls of film
42. Make Sammy a doll
43. Join a club
44. Find perfect pair of shorts
45. Memorize a poem
46. Visit a state I've never been to before
47. Scan photos from album for family
48. El Jordan's tabbouli recipe
49. Whiten my teeth
50. Clean out garage
51. Do something nice for my Grandma just because
52. Clean out office closet
53. Get artwork for my bedroom
54. Get boating license
55. Plan a surprise for Aaron
56. Learn about cutting hair
57. Figure out how to finish copying old videos to DVD for mom
58. Clean out my inbox
59. No soda for one month
60. Keep my bedroom clean for a month
61. Go to another concert at the Triple Door
62. Have Justin over for dinner
63. Finish 10 started sewing projects
64. Read three books in Spanish
65. Send Birthday cards/notes to all family members for a year
66. Track all my spending for a month
67. Call the "How Am I Driving?" Number to report good driving 3 times
68. Eat something new that seems like it would be gross
69. Write in the main blog every day for a month
70. Take a photo of the other houses I have lived in growing up
71. Read 5 "classics"
72. Run around Greenlake
73. See a circus
74. Make old shirts picnic blanket
75. Restart Gratitude Journal
76. Bingo party
77. Go sailing
78. Do facebreaker for 60 seconds
79. Letters to 5 people that have changed my life
80. Get wedding ring cleaned
81. Take a picture with all my siblings
82. Try a new flavor of ice cream
83. Do meal planning for an entire month
84. Draw a picture I like
85. Write up Aaron's Spanish Dictionary
86. Do one pull up at my dad's house
87. Buy a dress I actually like
88. At least one overnight at sea (on sailboat)
89. Get scuba certified
90. Get one full night sleep. Seriously.
91. Find an on-going volunteer opportunity
92. Change car headlight (pathetic)
93. Eat only with chopsticks for a week
94. Do another swap
95. Exercise twice a week for three months straight
96. Make a cool camera strap from Allison's tutorial
97. Use my crockpot 5 times
98. See a drive-in movie
99. Give up a "regular" tv show
100. Go flying with Aaron
101. Put photos/papers/etc into fireproof box

1,001 days are done...

Wow. I mean, double wow. Somehow 1,001 days ago (ok like 1,004 now) I made a giant list of 101 things I was going to do in that time period before October 23rd, 2010, and suddenly it's over. I would say that sadly I didn't accomplish many of the things, but it's not really too sad since I spent the majority of my time between then and now with my small babies. In fact, when I made the list I was not feeling well, little did I know I had a small person just starting to grow in me. It was an ambitious list, and I am happy to have done some of the things on it, and will make another list in the next few days, likely with many of the same items carried over. Anyway, enough with the rambling, here is the detailed report to bore you (and me in the future) to death.

Start date: January 26th, 2008
Ending date: October 23rd, 2010

The list:
1. Write my Ecuador book NO: time issue
2. Finish Lorena’s quilt NO: started but moved away and left it in Ecuador
3. Turn my old shirts into tote bags YES: Sammy Rosero loved them
4. Read 12 books YES: easy
5. Come back to Ecuador again YES: 5/09
6. Get scuba certified NO: time issue
7. Make 5 iTunes play lists YES
8. Learn how to play Acoustic #3 on the guitar NO: time/babies issue
9. Begin sailing around the world with Aaron NO: money/babies issue
10. Re-learn how to crochet, make a scarf NO: desire/time issue
11. Make a quilt for my own bed NO: started... time issue
12. Have ample food storage supply YES
13. Go to bed by 10 for a week straight NO: this will likely never actually happen
14. Photograph another wedding NO: time/babies issue
15. Read camera manual all the way through NO: laziness issue
16. Buy a new lens NO: money/forgot issue
17. Hike to Leigh Lake NO: laziness issue
18. Have a baby YES: I am amazing at this one. 10/24/08, 12/15/09
19. Make a skirt YES: 9/08 it was really ugly though
20. Read the entire old testament YES: finished 10/10
21. Do pilates or yoga 2x week for two months NO: laziness issue
22. Write in my journal once a week NO: I probably wrote 5 times. laziness issue
23. Take Aaron to Disneyland NO: babies issue
24. Get my foundation set up NO: time issue
25. Go surfing 5 times NO: babies issue
26. Learn to juggle NO: laziness issue
27. Read 2 books in Spanish No: 1.5, I just forgot to do this one.
28. Visit 5 temples I have never been to NO: SLC 2/09, Vancouver 4/10
29. Donate hair to locks of love YES: 6/08, 11/09 Aaron says I can't do it anymore because of the awful haircut I got last time, hah
30. Have a real life dinner party NO: laziness issue
31. Read 2 more books on teenage self-esteem NO: I read one, the other one I had was boring. laziness issue
32. Carve a pumpkin with my husband’s face on it NO: exhaustion/time issue
33. Create storage system for all digital pictures NO: halfway there
34. Print wedding photos & put in album YES: 11/08
35. Print honeymoon photos & put in album NO: they are missing :(
36. Don’t complain at all for 1 week NO: awful person issue
37. Take some sort of class YES: Ham Radio 3/08, Birthing: 9/08
38. Visit a country I’ve never been to before NO: babies issue
39. Successfully take care of a plant for a year NO: I think it is impossible for me
40. Buy a bike at a garage sale YES: 3/10
41. Not eat at a restaurant for 2 weeks straight YES: 11/08
42. Build a bridge out of popsicle sticks or toothpicks. Put weights on it to see how much it can hold without breaking. NO: laziness issue. I even bought the popsicle sticks...
43. Write a thank you letter once a week for 6 months. NO: I wrote a lot, but not following that timeline
44. Find at least one genealogy name and do the work NO: Impossible. I tried very hard, then gave up.
45. Plan a fundraiser YES: for OSSO Spring 09
46. Can something other than jam NO: laziness issue
47. Follow Fly Lady’s schedule for one month NO: laziness issue
48. Cook 10 new recipes YES: yum
49. Do a triathlon NO: laziness issue. started training but flaked out.
50. Throw a huge party YES: anniversary, Halloweens
51. Go snowboarding twice NO: babies issue
52. Cook four dishes in the pressure cooker NO: laziness issue
53. Floss every day for a month, 3 times YES: this is probably the most amazing one on the list
54. Frame 10 photos NO: only did 7. so pathetic. laziness issue.
55. Learn a new song on the piano NO: time issue (maybe now that I own a piano...)
56. Learn how to make the ultimately delicious macaroons my dad makes NO: time/laziness issue
57. Learn to like one type of fish (is this possible?) YES: 8/08 halibut was ok, seared tuna
58. Read a book on astronomy NO: laziness issue
59. Figure out the recipe for El Jordan’s tabbouli NO: I tried one but messed it up so badly I was put off for a while. My cool mother-in-law sent me a recipe I should try.
60. Purchase the perfect croquet set NO: money issue. I apparently have expensive taste in croquet sets. But we did get a really sweet one from my mom she was getting rid of.
61. Build something out of wood NO: laziness issue
62. Carve something out of wood NO: time issue
63. Golf an entire 18 holes NO: hah! time/babies/laziness issue (wait, does mini golf count?)
64. Beat my mom at ping-pong NO: this will never happen.
65. Find a Google whack NO: they don't exist anymore
66. Get brows threaded YES: 10/10 and I loved it
67. Go snowshoeing NO: babies issue
68. Road trip to somewhere I haven’t been before NO: babies issue
69. Send a real piece of mail every month NO: I did over half, but some months it just didn't happen
70. Make baby blankets for new arrivals YES
71. Submit book to publishers NO: it has to be written first
72. Go to 10 year reunion NO: I could have done this, but didn't for many reasons
73. Give away or sell 101 things YES: now I just need to get rid of 1001 more.
74. Learn Photoshop NO: time issue
75. Join some sort of photography challenge group: NO: laziness issue
76. Skydive NO: babies issue
77. Swim across Lake Washington NO: babies issue/no summer issue/forgot issue
78. Make Aaron a suit. NO: time issue
79. Make Eden an article of clothing she will wear YES: I made her a cool headband. But then it didn't fit. But she wanted to wear it.
80. Make myself pumpkin and coconut ice cream. Separately. NO: laziness issue. the store makes it so much faster.
81. Get Ham radio license YES: 3/08
82. Acquire unbreakable habit of brushing teeth at night YES: Victory!
83. Go to the symphony with Aaron NO: time/babies issue
84. Make and keep updated address book YES: but I don't know where it is right now. still counts.
85. Create sweatpants overalls NO: laziness issue
86. Eat only healthy foods for 1 week NO: probably not possible
87. Sell something I made YES: Spring 09
88. Learn to tie 5 knots NO: laziness issue
89. Launch an Ecuadorian globo NO: opportunity issue
90. Explore stock photography options YES
91. Use my iTunes gift cards YES
92. Buy and complete a big big puzzle NO: it was awful and I hated it
93. Win a contest YES: 12/08 a cool bag which Harmon loves
94. Make a cake in the microwave YES: 1/08 mmmm
95. Go waterskiing NO: babies issue/laziness issue
96. Have a bingo party NO: forgot issue
97. Put Rosero’s videos on DVD for them NO: awful. ugh.
98. Learn 10 children’s songs in Spanish NO: I think I learned 5. laziness issue.
99. Get wedding dress cleaned and boxed YES: 10/08
100. Create will and force husband to do the same NO
101. Manage to see a sunrise without feeling like death MAYBE: I think that I was supposed to actually watch it though, so make that NO.

So, the final score is 31 out of 101 things accomplished. Despite the awful stats, I did start some of these only to find I didn't really want to do them afterall, and many of them I just didn't do my assigned number, and in those cases some is better than none (mail, journal writing, etc.) Overall, I am pleased despite my laziness. I really could have done a lot more, but being exhausted from the babies (mostly their poor sleep habits) and my natural inclination to sit around and relax really stopped me. I am excited to make another list and perhaps this time I will have a better expectation of things that I can accomplish. (I mean come on, I didn't think I would have two babies by the time the list expired, one who turned two the next day and the other 10 months no less!)

A Psychology Ramble

Admire my awful paint skills:I have been thinking a lot lately about how we have two "selfs" if you will. One being the "self" that we think we are, and the other being the actual person we are. Obviously there is overlap between the two of these, of varying degrees for different people.
Recently I have been feeling the push of the boundary of the green overlap area expanding, and it sucks. It is hard to see myself do negative things that I don't really believe are part of "who I am". You know: "I am always perfectly calm with my children" and "I would never say extra rude things to my husband" and "I am lazy, but not that lazy..." when in actuality I am not so kind to my husband and children, and I am that lazy. Etc, etc, etc.

I suppose that by seeing them it gives me the opportunity to change, right? Too bad change is hard. Ugh.

Labels of Experience

I have been thinking a lot lately about how we really tend to give people simple labels about their experiences that in actuality are a huge essence of who they are. It's not out of rudeness, it's just impossible to really understand a lot of experiences we haven't been through, even if they are some of the most defining times for a person.

Here are a few examples: he has a chronic illness, she lost a child, he lost his job, she had a baby, they adopted a child, he cares for his aging parents, etc. Simple labels that describe huge experiences. Obviously there are tons, both good and bad. And often we don't know which ones other people are or have experienced, or how much they still deal with them on a daily basis.

It's easy (but sad) to say that someone lost a child, without thinking more than a few minutes what that person's life might be like now. Obviously we feel sad for anyone in that situation, but say it happened many years ago. It's likely that we don't think about it anymore, even if they are still thinking about it and hurting every day.

I have mostly been thinking about this because I have been thinking about myself (shocker), and how much I think about Ecuador as a defining experience for me. I still think about it every. But I doubt that anyone else thinks about it any more other than a random fact in passing that I spent some time in South America. Which is fine, it just serves as a good reminder for me to always work hard to remember I don't know where people are coming from. I don't know what they are dealing with, or what they have dealt with both good and bad. So the next time before I assume someone is one way or the other, I hope that I will be able to realize there is always more to the situation than what I see on the surface.

Self-Esteem

I was up late last night thinking about a young friend of mine who is having a hard time right now, in large part due to low self-esteem. I always have felt drawn to the topic of self-esteem. Not because I have a particularly high amount myself, but because every once in a while I am blessed with a tiny glimpse of how I imagine God sees and loves certain people in my life and it is remarkable.

Why is it that women in general and especially teenage girls seem to struggle so much with self-esteem? My budding self-esteem was blessed to be nurtured every summer at church girl's camp. I always felt that the leaders and older girls genuinely cared for me, that they liked who I was no matter who I was. That coupled with the spiritual and physical beauty of the camp really hit me at my core each summer. It was somewhere I felt at home, somewhere I always fit in, no matter what else was going on in my life. I still think about those sweet leaders who took time to just listen and care about me, a source outside my home that validated me as a person, and a good person at that. That's part of it, isn't it? Even if our home is good and we are loved, we still are looking for someone outside of it to tell us we are good. Almost as if our families don't count, because they "have to like us". And what if we feel like our families don't like us? How much more do we look to outside sources for that attention/acceptance.

Several different years while in college I spent a week as a counselor at a camp for girls in Utah. I'm not sure how they would describe it, but I always nicknamed it "self-esteem" camp. It was always such an intense week, being responsible for 12 teenage girls (I usually had the 12 or 13 year olds) making sure they were in class, that they were in their rooms at night, teaching them lessons, listening to them, etc. Many of them came from good homes, but many had come from awful life experiences. At age 12. Some of my precious 12 year olds had gone through some of the worst things I could imagine at such young ages. That camp was hard. And every year after it was done when I was exhausted (mostly mentally/emotionally) beyond belief I swore I would never do it again, but I kept doing it. Because I loved it. I loved seeing the way the girls would change over the tiny period of a week. I loved seeing how me and others giving them love and time AND clear rules/boundaries/consequences affected them for good. Because if they didn't get it from somewhere good, where were they going to get it from?

And that's part of it. If you aren't getting enough of what you need from somewhere good, and you already feel bad about yourself for whatever reason, you start to look for it from anywhere you can, or from where it's easy. But that doesn't really help solve the problem, because then you are getting "what you need" and it feels "good" but on some level you know that it isn't really good or what you need at all. (I suppose alternately you sit at home being sad and lonely and that isn't really a great thing either.)

Why don't people know how wonderful they are? And I don't mean in a narcissistic way of course. I mean why don't women and girls understand how important they are, how beautiful they are, how special they are? (I'm not saying dudes are unimportant or anything, I'm just not really addressing them here.)

I think about Ecuador and what I learned with my wonderful baby orphans. I think about how much I learned about love, how much those kids who didn't know me loved me from the start, how they loved me no matter what. I think about how much I still love them, and remembering the intensity with which I felt that love and remembering how I knew then and know now that it was only the tiniest smidgen of how much God loves them and by extension me. Me! It is both unbelievable but true, all at the same time.

How much I wish I could teach someone that today. How much I wish that I could take my friend and hug her and convince her that everything really is going to be ok. And how much I wish I could make her know how beautiful, special, and important she is. Because she is.

And so are you.

I'm Drowning.

(Ok, not literally, I totally know how to swim.)

I don't even know how to put this post into words, but feel like I need/want to. There is something about being honest and writing down what is going on in my head that really helps me to process and move ahead. (and why not share it with the blog world?)

Right now I feel like I am out in the middle of the ocean. I've been out here a while, and at first I was ok, because I am a strong swimmer. But now I'm getting real tired. I know it's impossible to tread water forever, but there doesn't seem to be any land nearby to swim to.

I feel like all aspects of my life are out of balance.

I can't seem to get anything done beyond the basic necessities: feeding the humans & keeping these things relatively clean: humans, laundry, dishes. Occasionally I get to the vacuuming or bathroom, but I NEVER get to things like filing papers, deep cleaning anything, or simple projects like hanging pictures. I do recognize that most of this is a product of having two very small children, and that when I do have free time I am too exhausted to complete these tasks, but it is still extremely frustrating to feel seemingly incapable sometimes.

What's stranger yet is the balance of my time. On the one hand the two little people keep me SO busy. Harmon is a wonderful but very demanding of attention kind of a kid. He will commonly sit down on the floor and look up at you and say "play?" and how can you say no to that? (Even if you have just been playing with him the past several hours, it's still hard to say no...) Sammy also does not love playing by herself near as much as she does playing with me, and caring for a little baby is time consuming. On the other hand, I am often super bored, out of ideas of how to entertain myself and the small people, especially on rainy days. There are only so many trips to the mall playground you can handle, and I won't even bring up the nap schedule that keeps us home most of the day.

Not shockingly my loneliness issue has not greatly improved. I have made greater efforts, and have felt the benefits of those efforts, both in friendships old and new. But new friendships still take time, and my old friends still all live at least a bit of a distance away (if not out of the state). Things are getting better, but I still feel lonely all the time, like I am lacking a real sustaining connection. I suppose since I am fairly certain I am not a real sustaining connection to any of my friends, I shouldn't be that surprised, but it still is stinky.

I realize there is a major need in my life for me to carve out time for myself. It's so easy to "blame" all my problems on caring for my children. (I don't mean that I am blaming them in any aspect, I chose to have them both, and not like they are doing anything other than being wonderful children who choose not to sleep very much.) But that's playing a martyr and that's ridiculous. There is no reason I can't have more balance to my life, I just have to do the work to get there. And amazingly if I was more balanced I am pretty sure it would mean better things for my children as well. If it means giving up sitting on the couch and watching stupid TV shows (but still watching the ones I like) in favor of filing the papers, or going to a friend's house even if the baby misses part of her nap, then I need to do it. For my own sanity and balance. Because I'm tired from swimming and need to find some land.

So I guess that's the answer. I have to keep swimming towards where I know the land is, even if I can't see it yet. Treading water won't get me anywhere.

[Sorry if that was the lamest metaphor EVER]

Thank you hips

The past several days my hips have hurt. Bad. Like they do when they are growing wider to make way for giant babies. And I complained. A lot. Because what's up with that?

And then yesterday I found out what they were up to. Moving back in so my pants can fit.

Hips, I'm sorry I doubted you, and thanks, because I was getting tired of only wearing one pair of pants.

I'm Lonely... or Friendship Is Hard

I think I am always thinking about this topic. Not like I sit around being like "oooooh I am soooo loooonely" because really I don't have a ton of time to do that. But when I think about the things that are lacking in my life, friendship is really number one.

Don't get me wrong. I have lots of AMAZING friends. Most of them don't live next door, in fact they live real far away and that's where the problem comes in. Some are wonderful best friends that I should call on the phone more, but don't because I'm lame. Some used to live in the same room as me, and we are fortunate to keep in contact via internet moderately well. Some are so ridiculously busy I just have to think of them fondly and read old emails to have a laugh. I often wonder how I have been blessed with so many hilarious caring wonderful friends. I really should keep in better touch, but part of the issue is I am lazy. When I have a free minute finding the phone seems too difficult, sitting on the couch a much easier option.

Although I could keep better in touch with my friends that live out of state, it seems that I can't manage to see enough of my friends that live within a 3o mile radius of my house. Partly it's my schedule. If my kids don't nap, there are severe consequences that I am unwilling to deal with. Mainly extreme crankiness and waking up all night long. Either way, I am a slave to the naps. Partly it's my friends, they have lives too, and for some reason they aren't always ready to get together in the instant my family becomes ready for some sort of visit/outing. And finally, it's laziness on my part. I could set up more things, but I don't, because I am exhausted and lazy.

Lastly there is my ward. Our last ward was nice, but we didn't get to know too many people. I didn't make a lot of friends the first many months, then after having Harmon I layed in bed with a broken tailbone (among other things) for at least three months making doing much of anything impossible. Wonderful friends came to visit but I really was extremely lonely. No one told me that having a baby would be so isolating. And then when I was able to start getting out more we moved. And this ward has been the same slow start. The first Sunday I remember a few great people saying hello and getting me on the playgroup email list. But I was pregnant and sick and very very tired. And Harmon always managed to be napping during playgroup. And now here we are, almost 10 months into this ward, and I am just starting to make friends. And I hate it. Making friends takes work. It takes time. Time that I don't have and work that I don't want to do. I miss the days of instant friends, people you instantly click with, or even having the time (or energy) to make friendships. Perhaps it's just part of getting older, but it's hard.

I think it's obvious to see the real issue is my lack of effort. A few situational issues contributed to my current state, but there is no reason that I can't: A. keep in better touch with my best friends B. visit with my current local friends more and C. make a better effort to create new friendships close to my house. I guess I will have to either do the work [with great rewards!] or stop complaining about being lonely. Ugh.

Baby Steps

Mine, not my children's. I had been meaning to write this post, but Cheri's comment made me do it faster.

Fly Lady is great. It works so well for so many people. But not for me. It's not because I can't do it. She has a great method for building into it, and starting where you are so you are not overwhelmed. I however can't. I always just want to jump into ALL of it. Which is impossible when your house starts out the way mine does. I suppose if your house looked the opposite of mine, then you wouldn't need Fly Lady at all, because you would be good at managing it already.

So, what to do? I invented my own teeny tiny program. And the little program is the entire program, so that I don't have to feel bad because I'm not doing it all. The basis of which is stolen from Fly Lady though. 15 min a day. Ever. Oh sure, if I get into a project I go over, but I don't have to. I always have the option to stop.

Monday: Kids Room
Tuesday: Bedroom
Wednesday: Office
Thursday: Front room
Friday: Kitchen & Dining
Saturday: Bathroom
Sunday: Car & Garage

This way on Wednesdays when I have only decluttered the office for 15 min, I can take joy in knowing I'm done for the day, even if the huge amount of chaos doesn't look changed a bit. Or it assures that my front room gets vacuumed every week. It's strange, but it's hard for me to take baby steps when it comes to cleaning. I either have to do the entire huge project (clean out the whole office, vacuum the whole house, etc) or do almost nothing at all. The latter usually happens, resulting in any good cleaning intentions I had to come to naught.

Anyway the bottom line of my new program is that it is working for me. And that's a good thing.