(Ok, not literally, I totally know how to swim.)
I don't even know how to put this post into words, but feel like I need/want to. There is something about being honest and writing down what is going on in my head that really helps me to process and move ahead. (and why not share it with the blog world?)
Right now I feel like I am out in the middle of the ocean. I've been out here a while, and at first I was ok, because I am a strong swimmer. But now I'm getting real tired. I know it's impossible to tread water forever, but there doesn't seem to be any land nearby to swim to.
I feel like all aspects of my life are out of balance.
I can't seem to get anything done beyond the basic necessities: feeding the humans & keeping these things relatively clean: humans, laundry, dishes. Occasionally I get to the vacuuming or bathroom, but I NEVER get to things like filing papers, deep cleaning anything, or simple projects like hanging pictures. I do recognize that most of this is a product of having two very small children, and that when I do have free time I am too exhausted to complete these tasks, but it is still extremely frustrating to feel seemingly incapable sometimes.
What's stranger yet is the balance of my time. On the one hand the two little people keep me SO busy. Harmon is a wonderful but very demanding of attention kind of a kid. He will commonly sit down on the floor and look up at you and say "play?" and how can you say no to that? (Even if you have just been playing with him the past several hours, it's still hard to say no...) Sammy also does not love playing by herself near as much as she does playing with me, and caring for a little baby is time consuming. On the other hand, I am often super bored, out of ideas of how to entertain myself and the small people, especially on rainy days. There are only so many trips to the mall playground you can handle, and I won't even bring up the nap schedule that keeps us home most of the day.
Not shockingly my loneliness issue has not greatly improved. I have made greater efforts, and have felt the benefits of those efforts, both in friendships old and new. But new friendships still take time, and my old friends still all live at least a bit of a distance away (if not out of the state). Things are getting better, but I still feel lonely all the time, like I am lacking a real sustaining connection. I suppose since I am fairly certain I am not a real sustaining connection to any of my friends, I shouldn't be that surprised, but it still is stinky.
I realize there is a major need in my life for me to carve out time for myself. It's so easy to "blame" all my problems on caring for my children. (I don't mean that I am blaming them in any aspect, I chose to have them both, and not like they are doing anything other than being wonderful children who choose not to sleep very much.) But that's playing a martyr and that's ridiculous. There is no reason I can't have more balance to my life, I just have to do the work to get there. And amazingly if I was more balanced I am pretty sure it would mean better things for my children as well. If it means giving up sitting on the couch and watching stupid TV shows (but still watching the ones I like) in favor of filing the papers, or going to a friend's house even if the baby misses part of her nap, then I need to do it. For my own sanity and balance. Because I'm tired from swimming and need to find some land.
So I guess that's the answer. I have to keep swimming towards where I know the land is, even if I can't see it yet. Treading water won't get me anywhere.
[Sorry if that was the lamest metaphor EVER]
3 comments:
It doesn't sound like you're blaming your kids. It is just a huge change being the mother of small children and a weird feeling to be lonely even though you're never technically alone.
I still miss adult conversation, but get out a little more than I used to. Does your ward have a play group? Or is there a community play group? You never know where you'll find a kindred spirit. Yes, friendship takes time, but once in a while I meet someone I hit it off with right away. I love that.
I went to Time Out for Women last weekend and a psychologist named Wendy Ulrich spoke to us. She said that if you get into motion, the motivation follows - that you can do anything for 2 minutes. So plan on filing papers for 2 minutes and you'll find that you want to continue longer than planned.
She also gave advice to stop trying to make friends, but to have a goal of one good conversation per day. Of course, that could develop into a friendship.
Try not to beat yourself up over the deep cleaning stuff. I think the majority of moms with small children struggle with that and when it comes to nap time, you have to choose between napping yourself or being productive.
Ok, I have to say I feel exactly the same way. I also feel a profound loneliness, because I don't feel like I can call up my friends here and just talk to them because I know they're really busy. You always have to have an excuse. The friends who live away have jobs and, honestly, more interesting lives than I do, so I feel like kind of a drag when I talk to them.
As for the house, ugh. I was never great at cleaning. Now it has descended to somewhere in the inferno. Hiring someone 2 hours a week has really been a godsend. I come home to a sparkly house once a week, and it helps me want to keep it up a little better.
Playing with kids all day, every day is draining. I appreciate the fact that we are doing important work as mothers, but get annoyed when I hear all the time at church that my entire day should be devoted in service to my family. I can't do that. I'm going insane as it is. I still feel like I should, but, seriously, is it honestly a crime to want to go to graduate school, when I could go do homework when kids are sleeping?
Anyway, thanks for the post. I really appreciate it, because I always feel like everyone has it together better than I do. :)
I think every Mom feels that way, some just don't admit it. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming - and you can always call and shoot the breeze with me if you want. I got through the first two with friends on the phone while I sat in the bathroom potty training and they were doing dishes or whatever. We visited and mothered alternately as we had to to keep our sanity. I know it bothers Aaron when I talk to my kids while I'm on the phone with him, but that's just life as a Mom. Find a friend in the same boat and call and visit and talk to your kids all at the same time. Do something for yourself each day for 5 minutes (like go potty by yourself just once or brush your hair or take a shower). :)
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