Or rather, how to not acquire more stuff.
I love to buy things. The main problem with this is that I buy lots of small cheap things, big things just don't tempt me as much as a "good deal". I also love to keep said (mostly useless) things. I also end up collecting many pieces of paper with a small bit of sentimental value, or receipts and coupons, or anything that I "may need" one day. I don't know how to solve the papers problem. But I have figured out the lots of cheap junk thing:
Don't go to the store. Since we have been on a tight budget, and knowing I can't resist the dollar section and clearance items at Target (among other stores), I decided to just not go at all. The result? A. Zero spending on things I don't need (good) B. No new junky things are coming to live at my house (super good).
Unfortunately (ok, not so unfortunate) Aaron is scheduled to start at Amazon this week and has been doing some consulting work, so the moratorium on spending may soon be lifted. I would like to think that I have learned self-control but know it's untrue, since recently I was given a giftcard to Target (by Target, for creating a baby registry, hah!) and proceeded to spend it on small junky things that I didn't need. Except for the Sesame Street pumpkin carving kit. You KNOW I needed that.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Word Vomit
I love talking. I like stimulating conversation about important topics. I also like gossiping about totally unimportant things. Talking is really great. But what happens when you spend all day with a baby and don't talk to adults? You go crazy. And then when you get a chance to talk to your husband, you talk so fast your lips may fall off. You recount really meaningless things that you would not have otherwise shared with anyone ("the checker at the grocery store today seemed unhappy to take my coupons"). If it stopped with your husband, it would probably be ok. He would understand that you were crazy from lack of adult conversations and would listen to you even if you talked incessantly about ultimately boring things.
But it doesn't end there, does it? I go to the midwife, and I jabber. I see my mom, and I jabber. I get together with a friend, someone at church, someone in the store, anyone!, and I spew words. I can't even help it. And I know it's happening, but I'm powerless to stop it. It's embarrassing really. I mean come on Harmon, is it too much to ask for you to carry on meaningful conversations while playing with blocks? Seriously.
But it doesn't end there, does it? I go to the midwife, and I jabber. I see my mom, and I jabber. I get together with a friend, someone at church, someone in the store, anyone!, and I spew words. I can't even help it. And I know it's happening, but I'm powerless to stop it. It's embarrassing really. I mean come on Harmon, is it too much to ask for you to carry on meaningful conversations while playing with blocks? Seriously.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Second Birth...
The first time I was pregnant I had no idea what to expect for giving birth.
Somehow I decided (surely influenced by my mother and my friend Jacki's natural births) that I wanted to have my baby as naturally as possible. My mom had told me stories about her three births (one I witnessed as a teenager) and the things she liked and would have done differently if possible (like changing positions, etc). It seemed to me at the time that using a midwife and a birthing center like Jacki had done was the best way to be able to "birth on my own terms". That way I could move around, not feel too pressured to progress faster, get in the tub, not worry about getting an epidural (as none would be available). Most people I'm sure thought I was crazy. But to each their own, right?
Well as it turned out, it was insane. I had read just about every book on birthing and especially birthing naturally I could get my hands on, and taken a class "birthing from within" (based on the book) with Aaron that helped teach pain management techniques. I knew that I could not even imagine what it would be like, which was both terrifying and somewhat freeing. In the end being two weeks overdue and successfully birthing my wonderful 10lb 12oz 23" Harmon was beyond horribly difficult, but the most amazing thing I have ever done (Read it here if you like). I still think about the experience on a regular basis, and am still not only proud of myself, but happy I chose to do things the way I did.
My parents however, were not as pleased with the experience. My poor mom spent much of the night in the car outside the birth center, not wanting to disturb us, but thinking that labor was taking way too long and something could be wrong. My dad and step-mom were concerned after hearing of the ordeal, and especially when I was unable to sit for 3 months after giving birth.
This time around, I am on different insurance, and as a result have two options for birth instead of three: hospital or home birth. Last time I really liked being away from the hospital (but still really close if there would have been a problem) and also away from our teeny tiny house. But this time there is no option for a free-standing birth center. And I still have no desire at this point for a home birth. Truthfully there is a third option, and that's the option I have chosen, a "birth center" on one of the floors of the hospital. I do get to use midwives (which I love!) but I worry that it will be similar enough to being in a hospital. I worry that I will have to stay too long (I stayed at the birth center for about 6 hours after having Harmon) or that I will break down and get some drugs pumped into me. On the plus side, my parents are all overjoyed at the word "hospital" even though my baby and I were just fine last time.
Maybe they are silly things to worry about, because I do know that however my baby girl decides to come out will be fine. I will be so happy to have her safe that it will likely overshadow anything else that happens along the way. I suppose it's partially just my desire to have control that plays into my fears about "how it will be". I also find myself wondering how my labor will be, if it will be just as long and painful, if I will have an abnormally large child again, if I can do it the same way again, if I can do it again at all.
It seems I would just be better off with my thinking from the first time: I have no idea what to expect. And that's ok.
Somehow I decided (surely influenced by my mother and my friend Jacki's natural births) that I wanted to have my baby as naturally as possible. My mom had told me stories about her three births (one I witnessed as a teenager) and the things she liked and would have done differently if possible (like changing positions, etc). It seemed to me at the time that using a midwife and a birthing center like Jacki had done was the best way to be able to "birth on my own terms". That way I could move around, not feel too pressured to progress faster, get in the tub, not worry about getting an epidural (as none would be available). Most people I'm sure thought I was crazy. But to each their own, right?
Well as it turned out, it was insane. I had read just about every book on birthing and especially birthing naturally I could get my hands on, and taken a class "birthing from within" (based on the book) with Aaron that helped teach pain management techniques. I knew that I could not even imagine what it would be like, which was both terrifying and somewhat freeing. In the end being two weeks overdue and successfully birthing my wonderful 10lb 12oz 23" Harmon was beyond horribly difficult, but the most amazing thing I have ever done (Read it here if you like). I still think about the experience on a regular basis, and am still not only proud of myself, but happy I chose to do things the way I did.
My parents however, were not as pleased with the experience. My poor mom spent much of the night in the car outside the birth center, not wanting to disturb us, but thinking that labor was taking way too long and something could be wrong. My dad and step-mom were concerned after hearing of the ordeal, and especially when I was unable to sit for 3 months after giving birth.
This time around, I am on different insurance, and as a result have two options for birth instead of three: hospital or home birth. Last time I really liked being away from the hospital (but still really close if there would have been a problem) and also away from our teeny tiny house. But this time there is no option for a free-standing birth center. And I still have no desire at this point for a home birth. Truthfully there is a third option, and that's the option I have chosen, a "birth center" on one of the floors of the hospital. I do get to use midwives (which I love!) but I worry that it will be similar enough to being in a hospital. I worry that I will have to stay too long (I stayed at the birth center for about 6 hours after having Harmon) or that I will break down and get some drugs pumped into me. On the plus side, my parents are all overjoyed at the word "hospital" even though my baby and I were just fine last time.
Maybe they are silly things to worry about, because I do know that however my baby girl decides to come out will be fine. I will be so happy to have her safe that it will likely overshadow anything else that happens along the way. I suppose it's partially just my desire to have control that plays into my fears about "how it will be". I also find myself wondering how my labor will be, if it will be just as long and painful, if I will have an abnormally large child again, if I can do it the same way again, if I can do it again at all.
It seems I would just be better off with my thinking from the first time: I have no idea what to expect. And that's ok.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Why Blog?
Warning, this may be a totally boring post.
I have been thinking the past few days about why blogging is so incredibly popular. Specifically I have been wondering why I like to blog and why I like to read other people's blogs.
Reading Blogs
1. It makes me feel like I keep in touch with my friends. Admittedly I am not so good anymore with the telephone, and this way when it is late or early or I have a minute I can see more or less what they are up to. I would like to pretend that I mostly need it for my far away friends, but I don't keep in very good touch with my closer friends either.
2. It's cathartic. I read a fair amount of what could be deemed "mommy blogs" of people I don't know. Most of them are funny, a few sad and some just interesting.
3. I like to see what acquaintances are up to. It's so weird, but I am a total blog stalker.
Writing Blogs
1. I really feel like I should keep a journal, but am terrible at it. Typing is much faster than writing things by hand, and it's all in one place, not in several books spread throughout boxes and shelves in my house.
2. Some claim to enjoy looking at excessive pictures of my child and/or reading my terrible letters to people. I enjoy that.
3. Again, it's cathartic. Being mostly alone all day (with Harmon) life can often get boring. No offense to Harmon, but he doesn't carry on a conversation very well yet. It gives me a chance to say a lot of the things I would just say to another adult human if they were in the room. Additionally it lessens my rage for some of the people I encounter if I write it down instead of ramming them with my car. It lets me get my thoughts out, with only some worry of boring people. I figure if I ever am too boring, I'm not forcing anyone to read.
So, this was a pointless post, just something that had been floating around in my head. Also I just spell checked and had no misspellings. Boo-yah.
I have been thinking the past few days about why blogging is so incredibly popular. Specifically I have been wondering why I like to blog and why I like to read other people's blogs.
Reading Blogs
1. It makes me feel like I keep in touch with my friends. Admittedly I am not so good anymore with the telephone, and this way when it is late or early or I have a minute I can see more or less what they are up to. I would like to pretend that I mostly need it for my far away friends, but I don't keep in very good touch with my closer friends either.
2. It's cathartic. I read a fair amount of what could be deemed "mommy blogs" of people I don't know. Most of them are funny, a few sad and some just interesting.
3. I like to see what acquaintances are up to. It's so weird, but I am a total blog stalker.
Writing Blogs
1. I really feel like I should keep a journal, but am terrible at it. Typing is much faster than writing things by hand, and it's all in one place, not in several books spread throughout boxes and shelves in my house.
2. Some claim to enjoy looking at excessive pictures of my child and/or reading my terrible letters to people. I enjoy that.
3. Again, it's cathartic. Being mostly alone all day (with Harmon) life can often get boring. No offense to Harmon, but he doesn't carry on a conversation very well yet. It gives me a chance to say a lot of the things I would just say to another adult human if they were in the room. Additionally it lessens my rage for some of the people I encounter if I write it down instead of ramming them with my car. It lets me get my thoughts out, with only some worry of boring people. I figure if I ever am too boring, I'm not forcing anyone to read.
So, this was a pointless post, just something that had been floating around in my head. Also I just spell checked and had no misspellings. Boo-yah.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Never Before and Never Since...
Several months ago Aaron and I popped in a DVD I made from photos of the kids in Ecuador from 2004. It's set to music, and meant to make you cry, if you are wussy like me. Turns out I am wussy like me. Anyway, the first song is 10,000 Maniacs "These Are The Days". And I thought as I watched it and listened to the lyrics that say "never before and never since...will the whole world be warm as this" as I have thought many times before, how true it is.
When I watch that video, when I think about those kids, when I think about the time I spent in Ecuador, I feel that so deeply. It was such a magical amazing time. And going back is never the same. It can't be. And that makes going back hurt. Even if going back is fun, and fulfilling, and wonderful, it's just not the same, and it never will be. And that's ok.
When I hear that song I also think of my freshman year of college. The same song is played over a video that the lovely Jacki created of video clips. And I feel the same but different about that period in my life too. I think about all the fun we had, how late we stayed up, how much annoyance we must have caused other people, how easy it was to be carefree, and how I didn't know how good I had it. But life will never be like that again. And that's ok too.
Because now I'm in a different chapter of life. One that some days seems so monotonous and dull, but is filled with so many moments of explosive joy and happiness. It's so easy (in every stage of life) to think back on the past longingly, to think it can't compare to right now, and really, sometimes it can't. During truly rough periods the past is far better than the present. But I think more often than not, we are in a stage in life that we will later look back on fondly. I sometimes find myself wishing that Harmon was a little older, but I know like all other parents on the planet that when he is I will miss little(ish) H. I will miss his army crawl and screaming "maaaaaaaa" (mas, which means more) at dinner, and I will think about how the world never was so warm, and that it won't be again, at least not in the same way. But that's what's great. If I stop and think about it, I can more fully enjoy right now and make even greater memories. And that's pretty great. As the song says, I do know I'm blessed and lucky.
I guess I was feeling emotional. I blame pregnancy.
When I watch that video, when I think about those kids, when I think about the time I spent in Ecuador, I feel that so deeply. It was such a magical amazing time. And going back is never the same. It can't be. And that makes going back hurt. Even if going back is fun, and fulfilling, and wonderful, it's just not the same, and it never will be. And that's ok.
When I hear that song I also think of my freshman year of college. The same song is played over a video that the lovely Jacki created of video clips. And I feel the same but different about that period in my life too. I think about all the fun we had, how late we stayed up, how much annoyance we must have caused other people, how easy it was to be carefree, and how I didn't know how good I had it. But life will never be like that again. And that's ok too.
Because now I'm in a different chapter of life. One that some days seems so monotonous and dull, but is filled with so many moments of explosive joy and happiness. It's so easy (in every stage of life) to think back on the past longingly, to think it can't compare to right now, and really, sometimes it can't. During truly rough periods the past is far better than the present. But I think more often than not, we are in a stage in life that we will later look back on fondly. I sometimes find myself wishing that Harmon was a little older, but I know like all other parents on the planet that when he is I will miss little(ish) H. I will miss his army crawl and screaming "maaaaaaaa" (mas, which means more) at dinner, and I will think about how the world never was so warm, and that it won't be again, at least not in the same way. But that's what's great. If I stop and think about it, I can more fully enjoy right now and make even greater memories. And that's pretty great. As the song says, I do know I'm blessed and lucky.
I guess I was feeling emotional. I blame pregnancy.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Night Mind
I write the best blog posts. While laying in bed at night trying to sleep. Oh, they are so witty and filled with interesting hilarious things. And then the next day, I have no idea what I wanted to write about. It really is a tragedy.
But what's that about anyway? Why is it when I lay down I can't just go to sleep? I'm not a worrier. I don't sit up half the night thinking about all the things I need to do, haven't done, problems, whatever. I sit up (ok lay down) half the night thinking about stupid random things. And often successfully manage to keep Aaron up way later than he wants listening to me ramble. "Remember today when that lady cut me off? She was a bad driver." "Do you think I should buy Harmon some new pants, his are getting small." "Stop snoring." See? All REALLY stupid unnecessary things (ok except stop snoring.)
Anyway. I wish I knew how to solve this problem. Maybe if I just brought my laptop to bed I could write funny blogs and stop thinking about minuscule details of the day. Or I could sleep. I'm just sayin.
But what's that about anyway? Why is it when I lay down I can't just go to sleep? I'm not a worrier. I don't sit up half the night thinking about all the things I need to do, haven't done, problems, whatever. I sit up (ok lay down) half the night thinking about stupid random things. And often successfully manage to keep Aaron up way later than he wants listening to me ramble. "Remember today when that lady cut me off? She was a bad driver." "Do you think I should buy Harmon some new pants, his are getting small." "Stop snoring." See? All REALLY stupid unnecessary things (ok except stop snoring.)
Anyway. I wish I knew how to solve this problem. Maybe if I just brought my laptop to bed I could write funny blogs and stop thinking about minuscule details of the day. Or I could sleep. I'm just sayin.
Monday, February 23, 2009
New Pants!
Dear one person who may read this,
I bought new pants on Saturday. Big deal right? Yes, because although my child will be 4 months old tomorrow I had still been wearing maternity pants, with the exception of the pair of pants my mom got me for Christmas. And now, I own 3 pairs of real people pants that fit me. Thank you hips for moving inward, because I know I am still mighty fat. But oh how I love real pants! I had been putting off buying any because I wanted to wait until I was skinny again. This is stupid for several reasons, including the fact that I already have an army of pants for that desired size. But my new inbetween size real pants, you will serve me well. See you again someday maternity pants. You served me well.
The end.
I bought new pants on Saturday. Big deal right? Yes, because although my child will be 4 months old tomorrow I had still been wearing maternity pants, with the exception of the pair of pants my mom got me for Christmas. And now, I own 3 pairs of real people pants that fit me. Thank you hips for moving inward, because I know I am still mighty fat. But oh how I love real pants! I had been putting off buying any because I wanted to wait until I was skinny again. This is stupid for several reasons, including the fact that I already have an army of pants for that desired size. But my new inbetween size real pants, you will serve me well. See you again someday maternity pants. You served me well.
The end.
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